Thursday, July 07, 2005

Parenting is a contact sport

Or at least that's what it feels like today. Bedtime last night was another go-round - J wasn't fussing, he just wasn't sleeping. He was up until 10:00 - at about 9:50 he wanted to rock, and finally sacked out on my shoulder. It was nice to get to rock him to sleep, since that doesn't happen too often these days, but I'd have been satisfied with him just going to sleep at a reasonable hour. And now he's not content to sit in his bed and call for me - oh, no, he gets out of bed and comes to find me. "Mama, where are you?" *SIGH*

Then this morning, he woke up informing me it wasn't time to go to school. When we got to school, he stood in the middle of the back seat, where I can't reach him (I have an SUV, and I'm short), and said, "I don't wanna go to school. I wanna go home. I wanna go to work with you, mama." Gotta love the twist of the knife there. And when it came time for me to leave, he was screaming. Nothing starts the day off right like leaving daycare with your son's cries of "Mamaaaaaaaaa!" echoing behind you. Some days it's easier to deal with than others, and today was not one of the easy days. I got in the car and just sobbed. I called K and cried to him. I got off the phone and cried some more. I felt like I could have laid down and cried all day. I feel like I've been beaten with sticks.

And to leave him like that, coming to a job that barely pays enough to make ends meet (I went to law school for this?!), that I'm not passionate about, that most days I don't much like (but I need the paycheck, boy, do I) - it's not even like I can give J an example of mama going to work and being happy about it and feeling like she's making a difference. I leave him for this, and it sucks.

In some ways, I think the women's lib movement has made things worse for women, not better. (I realize that in my current situation, I'd have to work no matter what, and I'm fortunate to have a degree that I can use to support myself and to already be accustomed to working - it's not like I've been financially dependent on K all these years and I'm suddenly finding myself tossed out in the cold, cruel world with no idea which way is up. And I'm glad of that. This is more of a general rant.) Women wanted to be equal to men, which in theory is a noble goal. In practical terms, though, I don't think the goal was accomplished. Women still don't get paid the same as men for the same work. It's often more difficult for women to advance in the workplace, and a woman's career suffers if she takes time off to have a child (more so if she chooses to take substantial time away from her career to stay home with her child, rather than rushing back to the office when her tiny amount of maternity leave is exhausted), more so than a man's would suffer were he to take some time off as paternity leave. But it's almost to a point where most families *have* to have two incomes to get by (or at least it seems that way from where I'm standing), and that sucks. That makes it almost to where women have to work, not to where they have the choice to work and the opportunity to be treated comparably to men when they do make that choice.

All that being said, I'm not sure I'd ever be a full-time stay-at-home mother, not given my background now. I grew up with the understanding that I'd go to college, get a degree, and go out into the world and make something of myself. Even though my mother stayed home with me, my parents never even suggested that I might consider doing likewise. No, it was always expected that I'd work. And now that that's what I'm used to, I don't think I could ever be completely financially dependent on a man - I'd always want to make sure to have my own resources. But I'd at least like the option to stay home, or the option to work part-time, or some option that would allow me to spend a little more time with my son and a little less time commuting and slogging away at a job that doesn't build me up enough emotionally and mentally to make up for how much the time away from my son drains me.

I wonder, too, how much of my current circumstance is due to poor choices on my part. Should I have chosen another field of study? Should I have married for money rather than for love? (I know myself well enough to know I couldn't really have done that.) Should I have taken a more traditional legal career path (and run the risk of having to work insane hours to earn my six-figure income and still have no time for family)? I don't know. All I know is, I don't like where I am now and I'd like to change it somehow.

Bedtime battles, daycare drop-off hell, ulcer-inducing work - is there any part of my day that's good? Some days it doesn't feel like it. I'm trying hard to find those little flashes of joy, but sometimes it's a real challenge.

And the icing on the cake - today's horoscope:

You may receive some difficult news today about your finances.
Perhaps you've been planning a purchase that now turns out to be more expensive and therefore unaffordable. Or maybe there's a delay in receiving an expected check. Either way, look carefully at your money situation and make necessary adjustments.


Oh, yippee, just what I need.

I'm going to go wallow in my little pity pit now and eat some chocolate. Today, Wellbutrin alone just isn't cutting it.

No comments: