Dammit.

My checking account is overdrawn again, I don't get paid until Monday. Will my finances *ever* get straightened out?! I'm so tired of constantly having to worry about them, of constantly being stressed over money. I could just cry. Getting paid twice a month instead of every two weeks really blows chunks. You wouldn't think it would make that much of a difference, but it does. I'm working on the tax return - hopefully I'll get a nice refund, but it's all going to pay property taxes. *SIGH*

I'm going to dinner with C on Saturday. This makes me happy. K and I had a big talk about how this makes him feel. This makes me sad. He said it really bothers him, he didn't know how much it would bother him when we agreed that it was OK to meet people and go out. He said it's made worse by the fact that C is someone I know, have known for a while. He said he felt like I didn't care what he thought about it, and it made him wonder if I cared what he thought about anything. He said he realized he's being a hypocrite, but he can't help the way he feels. Now how do I respond to that? I tried to explain my feelings on it, but I'm not sure I did a very good job. It's not that I don't care what he thinks - I must care, or I wouldn't even be bothered that he's bothered. I'm sorry he feels this way, I wish I could change that (OK, I suppose I could, if I did what he'd like me to do and didn't go out). Of course, the argument can be made that I must not care that much, or I'd respect his wishes. And so in that light, maybe I don't care, at least not about what he thinks of this particular thing. Maybe I *am* an insensitive bitch.

I realize that what I'm about to say could be construed as hurt feelings or sour grapes or something, but I don't intend it to be. He's upset by me going out with anyone now. Well, for a long time, that shoe was on my foot. I was upset about him spending so much time with JG. I tried to tell him that, but to no avail - I still felt like he'd cut and run whenever she called, with no regard for me, and I felt like all of his affection was channelled toward her with very little left for me. Sure, there were times he'd ask if it was OK for him to run off and do whatever and I'd say it was, but I thought I was trying to be respectful of his need for time to do his own thing when I said OK, go. I thought I'd be the nagging, bitchy wife if I always said, no, I'd prefer you stay here. So maybe in some roundabout way, this whole mess is all my fault anyway. If I'd put my foot down hard at some point, would the marriage have been salvageable? Or would he have seen me as a controlling, nagging, unreasonable wife and felt more and more stifled? I guess we'll never know now. But part of me thinks, well, this is a case of what goes around, comes around - all that time with JG and the harm it did to our marriage is coming around. I'm sorry K is finding out how I felt. It was a pretty rotten way to feel, and I don't wish it on anyone. And I can't tell him he's wrong to feel that way - he's entitled to feel whatever he wants, and I don't think any guy worth his salt would be OK seeing his separated wife, or ex-wife, even, going out with someone else. But I'm not saying, OK, let me go along with what you want, I'll just not go out right now. Maybe I really am an insensitive bitch. But if that's the case, why do I feel so bad about it?

I'm talking in circles. It's late, I think I'll just go to bed before I lose the ability to form complete sentences.