Friday, January 21, 2005

Wallow in the pity pit.

It's a Friday that feels like a Monday. The day started off with a screamfest at daycare. It was one of those mornings where J had to be restrained by one of the teachers to keep him from running out the door after me. I could hear him wailing all the way down the stairs. I got in the car and just sobbed. It rips my heart out to leave him like that. I called about half an hour later and checked on him, and he was fine. He always is, but still, that doesn't make it any easier.

Then there was traffic. The highway I normally take was shut down - big wreck, fuel spill, etc. - and traffic was backed up to kingdom come. It was backed up to just about 15 miles from my house, which meant I'd be waiting a LONG time if I'd stayed there. So I cut across to the interstate, which made for a long trip, but it beat sitting still. I came dragging in to work around 9:00, finally. I called to let them know I'd be late and why, and I'm sure someone somewhere will see that and penalize me for being tardy. I think that's kind of silly when you're late for a reason totally out of your control - traffic happens, and none of us have any control over that, give it a rest.

And now there's my wrists. They've been hurting off and on for a while, and this morning my right wrist hurts so much, it's hurting down into my fingers. OW. I called my doctor - the earliest she can see me is Monday morning at 8:00. I had another appointment scheduled for that afternoon, so I decided to just take the day off. My second appointment is up here close to work, so I'll still have to make my drive in, but that's OK. I probably shouldn't be typing so much, but it's part of my job, and besides, I want to write.

I've given up on the sidebar stuff on my blog for now. I'll mess with it later.

Private practice - thoughts. I've got to decide if this is something I really want to do or not. Pros: more flexibility, no one to answer to but myself and my clients (well, and the State Bar, of course), the potential to do really well for myself. Cons: no financial reserves to fall back on during the start-up period, no way I can think of to get those reserves, no real solid experience to build on, no client base to bring with me. That's what I come up with off the top of my head. A friend assures me that if I decide this is really what I want to do, things will fall into place much more easily than I might think, and that may be the case. But it's a big step, especially when I'm not just responsible for myself. I've got to be able to take care of J, too. I have a hard time stepping out on faith that all will work out when it's such a very big step and when the consequences are so major if I fail. I mean, if I'm broke, I can't pay for daycare, can't pay for utilities, can't pay the house note - what would we do, go live in a box?! The women I've talked to who started their own practices when they had children had the security of a spouse who made a really good salary and enough savings to tide them over if the first few months were lean. They also came from private practice and had clients who were likely to follow them, and practical experience in their areas of practice. A former co-worker who's started his own practice told me his wife had to go back to work, and he hated that, but there again, it was a safety net from a financial perspective - she had the option to go back and bring in more money for the family while he got his business started. I have none of that. I've got only myself (although I know K would help me financially as much as he could, he'll have his own finances to tend to, and it's not like either of us is flush with cash), theoretical experience in my chosen field, and no clients who'll follow me. I'm not trying to be Captain Bringdown, I'm just trying to look at the facts objectively. Is the potential for the freedom of being my own boss, and the potential for a good income at some point in the future, enough to get me past the difficulties of starting up and finding clients and paying my essential bills? And I'm still trying to recover from bankruptcy, is now the time to leave a steady paycheck? I don't know. It rolls around in my head and never sees the light of day much, since I seem to more often be dealing with personal issues and child-related things. But the thought is still there.

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