Sunday, June 05, 2005

Just not right

K came over today, to spend some time with J and to pick up a few things he'd left here (some of his stuff is still here, mostly just the essentials went with him, some of it may stay stored here until he's able to get himself a little house instead of an apartment). And that was fine, not a problem - he and I get along well enough that it's not a huge crisis if he wants to come by and see the J-man, I have no problem with it. No, what got to me is this. As K was putting things in his car, J turned to me and said, "daddy go bye-bye, mama." I told him yes, daddy would be going bye-bye in a little bit, but not quite yet. At the time, I didn't think J's comment got to me that much - I thought, oh, good, maybe this just shows that all of this won't cause him nearly the trauma I'd feared it might.

But tonight, when J asked me to rock him and sing to him, I couldn't - I got all choked up and couldn't sing to save my life. After he went to bed, I sat down and cried. It SUCKS that my child already says "daddy go bye-bye" like it's just a fact of life. That's not how it's supposed to be, and it breaks my heart. But I just don't think I have it in me (and I don't think K does, either) to try to repair the shreds of what used to be a marriage solely to preserve J's home intact. Is that wrong? Does that make me a bad mother, not to be able to make that sacrifice if it might be better for J? And would it even really *be* better for J for K and I to try to stay in the same house? I don't know. All I know is, it's not supposed to turn out this way, and the fact that my son can take it seemingly so matter-of-factly makes me sad.

2 comments:

Frustrated Mom said...

Lisa-

I understand your frustration on this post. I separated from my ex-husband when my children were very young. My son was only 2 at the time. It is hard and will continue to be hard, no matter how well you two get along. My ex and I are very good friends. We can talk to each other and what not. I still think about the days when I left him and the kids crying because they wanted to see their daddy and didn't understand that daddy couldn't stay with us.

If your marriage is something that you think you could work out, that is obviously in the best interest of your child. But if it's not something that could be worked out, the best interest of your son is to see his parents in a happy, healthy, living situation. In my case, it had been years of sadness and my ex being a workaholic. He wasn't willing to make those changes and I wasn't willing to go back to that situation. I knew that the best thing for me to do was move on. It sucked. I had a major blow everytime one of the kids would cry for their daddy. But now, 3 years later, their dad is remarried and still a workaholic. I, too, am remarried to a man who puts his family first and makes time to spend with us. For my kids to see me happy is the best thing for them. Even if it doesn't include their dad and I being together. We've committed as parents to get along and make the best decisions for the sake of the kids and that is what's really important.

Hope I didn't ramble too much. I feel for you, I've been there and it's tough.

Lisa said...

Thank you! :) You didn't ramble too much at all. I am thankful that K and I get along so well, even if we don't seem to fit so well into the "marriage" mold. I have friends and family whose splits weren't nearly so amicable, and I'm thankful that I am OK with K coming over to spend time with J, that the three of us can still do things together. I'm hoping that will help J realize that daddy isn't gone from his life, he's just in a different house. And if J continues to take time away from K with the same equanimity he showed last night, I'll count myself fortunate.

I really don't think the marriage can work out at this point. We're friends, we're Julian's parents, but I think things have been said and things have happened that have effectively killed any "spark" that might once have existed. And I can't imagine a lifetime commitment without that spark. Not that it's the most important thing, but I think it would hurt J to see as his primary example of a marriage a situation where mama and daddy are just friends, nothing more. I think he'd be better off, as you said, seeing both of us happy, even if we're happy living in two different houses instead of together.

Last night was a moment. I've had some, I'll have more. I know that. But ultimately, I think this is all to the good for all three of us.

L.