K came over today, to spend some time with J and to pick up a few things he'd left here (some of his stuff is still here, mostly just the essentials went with him, some of it may stay stored here until he's able to get himself a little house instead of an apartment). And that was fine, not a problem - he and I get along well enough that it's not a huge crisis if he wants to come by and see the J-man, I have no problem with it. No, what got to me is this. As K was putting things in his car, J turned to me and said, "daddy go bye-bye, mama." I told him yes, daddy would be going bye-bye in a little bit, but not quite yet. At the time, I didn't think J's comment got to me that much - I thought, oh, good, maybe this just shows that all of this won't cause him nearly the trauma I'd feared it might.
But tonight, when J asked me to rock him and sing to him, I couldn't - I got all choked up and couldn't sing to save my life. After he went to bed, I sat down and cried. It SUCKS that my child already says "daddy go bye-bye" like it's just a fact of life. That's not how it's supposed to be, and it breaks my heart. But I just don't think I have it in me (and I don't think K does, either) to try to repair the shreds of what used to be a marriage solely to preserve J's home intact. Is that wrong? Does that make me a bad mother, not to be able to make that sacrifice if it might be better for J? And would it even really *be* better for J for K and I to try to stay in the same house? I don't know. All I know is, it's not supposed to turn out this way, and the fact that my son can take it seemingly so matter-of-factly makes me sad.