Feeling like I don't belong

I went to church yesterday for the first time in a while. J warmed up to it after some initial reluctance - he got to play with Scoop (one of the Bob the Builder toys), so he was happy. LOL But I was sitting there in church, and while I enjoyed the sermon, I just didn't feel very connected to the rest of the service. Normally I'm very much into the music in a service, but yesterday none of it spoke to me at all. As I sat there with other people who were singing the songs and speaking the responsive readings, I suddenly felt very hypocritical. I thought, I'm not even sure what I believe anymore, what am I doing here with people who obviously do believe? I grew up in a conservative church, with the belief (if you can call it that - not sure now how much was true belief and how much was just agreeing with people who told me it was what I should believe) that God knew everything about me and took a personal interest in my life, and that God would carry me through hard times. I'm not sure I believe that so much anymore, and I felt out of place sitting in a church full of people with whom I wasn't sure I had much in common in terms of faith.

Used to be, back when I was repressed, shy little Lisa, I could easily have faith in things. It was so easy to say, "God will take care of me" and believe it. Now that I'm no longer that meek, mousy little person, I find it much harder to say that. I find that I rely much more on myself to carry myself through situations and to find ways out of messes. I think God encourages questioning and independent thought, but I find it odd that in my case, the very act of questioning and independent thought is taking me farther from God, not bringing me closer. Will I ever return to my childhood faith? Doubtful. I think I've grown and changed and thought too much to ever do the blind obedience thing now. (And I'm not sure blind obedience is what God would want, anyway - wouldn't He prefer that I reach my beliefs through my own personal experiences rather than just accept what someone says I "should" believe and say that I believe that, too? And is that acceptance even belief?) Will I eventually come around to a deeper, stronger faith? Possibly. I guess only time will tell in that regard. All I know is, I felt somehow wrong for being in church yesterday, like I was such a pagan unbeliever that I had no business being in God's house. It was rather unsettling. Even if it's been a while since I've been, I usually find myself strengthened and refreshed by attending services. Not yesterday, though. We'll see. I reckon I'll be going back, since J loved it - he kept saying he wanted to go back to "chotch", and he'd grab his bucket and my keys and head for the door, saying, "I've got my keys, I'm going to chotch right now!" LOL