Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Does it ever get easier?
This morning sucks ass. J woke up not wanting to go to school, he wanted to play. I did get him dressed and out the door without too much fuss, but he started on the way to school - he didn't want to go that way, he wanted to go the other way, he wanted to go home, he wanted mama. :-( He seemed to be OK by the time we actually got to school, though (well, with the exception of wanting various of his Fisher Price Little People, which we weren't going back home for). But when it came time for me to leave, he started fussing and getting upset. I talked to him, let him hang onto my leg, and I think in a couple of minutes he would have let go and gone on by himself and been OK. But one of his teachers, meaning well, saw that he wasn't inclined to let go and picked him up and walked off with him. Well, he just blew a fuse over that, and I left daycare with the sound of my son screaming for mama ringing in my ears. I cried. I called after I got to work, and he was fine - he'd settled down right after I left. I'm glad he's OK, and I knew he would be. But that doesn't take away the hurt I feel for having left him there screaming. It would suck to leave him for a job that paid me fabulously well and for one where I felt like my work was making a difference on some level. How much more does it suck to come to a job I'll probably never be passionate about and where, barring some weird turns in my career path, I'll never feel like I'm paid what my law degree is worth? I hate it. My heart hurts, and I'm stuck here for another eight hours.
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2 comments:
First, let me tell you that the best thing you can do for your child is to drop him off, kiss him on head, and leave. Do not linger, do not tell him you'll miss him. Yes, he will scream bloody murder for a few minutes, but he KNOWS that he can control you by screaming and hanging on your leg. I had a WONDERFUL daycare who had a policy that we were to just drop them off and leave (until they outgrew that stage). At first, I was horrified over this policy, but after a while, I understood it. They did not cater to the kids who did this...they just let the tantrum wear down. Kids are smart...they quickly learn that all they need to do to get what they want is to throw themselves into one of their tantrums. If you don't react, they kids lean that the tantrums have no power and they eventually quit. CONSISTENCY is the key. You have to put up walls on a consistent basis in order for them to stop. It's the same thing about putting a kid to bed and having them cry. They cry, you pick them up. Hmmm...who is training whom? It's heartbreaking to hear your kid scream, but it's not about being in emotional pain, it's about establishing boundaries.
As far as the job thing, girl, you're preaching to the choir here. I here you. You have to look at your job as a means to provide for your child. Even though it's not what you want to do, it's necessary, and therefore not a waste.
You're doing just fine...keep your chin up, Lisa.
Thanks, Kellie! {{{HUGS}}} This screaming is a phase - for a while there, J would run off happily when I dropped him off, barely looking back at me. I'm not sure what happens to trigger a change from one phase to the other, though. He's having one of those periods right now where when he's at school he wants to be home and vice versa. Yesterday I heard, "I want to go to school right now, I don't want to go home, I don't want mama" all the way home. I told him school was closed, his choices were mama or mama, end of story! That stopped the fit in fairly short order.
And you're right about work, too. Some days, though, it just gets to me more than others. This isn't really where I envisioned myself when I graduated from law school 12 years ago!
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