And my problem is...

This morning I took J to the pediatrician. Surprise, surprise, he has another sinus infection. He now weighs a whopping 47 pounds.

And he was such a big boy when I dropped him off at daycare! That makes the morning so much easier. In the evenings when I pick him up, he'll tell me he's going to get a drink from the water fountain by himself, that I can go stand out front in the lobby. Then he'll tell me he's going upstairs to get his jacket and blanket by himself, and he will. I don't think I have a baby anymore. *sniffle* Such a big boy.

This afternoon I saw the ENT. He said my underlying problem is allergies (duh). So he recommended three options: 1) add Singulair to my regular allergy meds - he said that will often help people a lot; 2) if the Singulair doesn't help, see an allergist for allergy testing (he didn't recommend this first as he said an allergist would recommend shots, and those can take up to a year to really kick in), and 3) as a last resort, surgery to straighten my deviated septum. That's not a first choice because it would make the sides of my nose equal in width, but I'd still have the allergies. So Singulair it is. If I have to go for allergy tests, I really hope I don't turn out to be allergic to the puppies. But for what it's worth, this crap has gotten worse since December. I really, really hope it's not the puppies.

After the ENT visit, I ran by Target, spent great wodges of cash that I don't have on medicine ($85 for four prescriptions - my Wellbutrin, Allegra and Singulair, and J's Zithromax - good thing my doc gave me a month of samples on my blood pressure meds!) and on stuff to fix dinner for Brian tomorrow night (pork roast in the crockpot, mashed potatoes, broccoli w/lemon butter sauce, and a yummy cake for dessert), and now I'm home. J is finally asleep (yes, it's almost 11:00 at night - can we say can't turn his little brain off?). Now I've got to fold and put away towels, pack J's bag for his visit to the bitty house this weekend, finish my cake, get stuff ready for the crockpot in the morning, put my now-clean sheets on my bed, clean the toilets, unload and reload the dishwasher, and put the ankle-biters to bed (and for what it's worth, they've chewed a hole all the way through their bed). If I'm lucky, I'll be in bed by 1:00. So why the hell am I still on the computer?!

Busted

I got a speeding ticket on my way to work this morning. I was at a stop light, I'd been stuck behind someone poking along (now I know why they were doing that), and I was irritated and late to work. So when the light changed, I hauled ass. Unfortunately, there was a motorcycle cop just up the road, and he pulled me over. I was going 49 in a 30 (I didn't think my car had that much pick-up to it), but he only wrote the ticket for 40 in a 30. He was nice about it, and he told me I could take defensive driving and get it dismissed (which I already knew, but appreciated him telling me all the same). So I can either pay the fine ($175) or take defensive driving ($95 for court costs plus whatever the course costs). Guess I'll be taking defensive driving. At least I can use that to get a discount on my car insurance. But what a way to start off the day, huh?!

I still feel like crap. I almost don't care what the ENT does or recommends, as long as it HELPS. I'm tired of feeling like my head is stuffed with oatmeal. I'm tired of my ears needing to pop. I'm tired of sneezing and sniffling and snotting and coughing. I just want to feel decent again.

I did read something interesting last night. One of my co-workers has also been sick, and she said someone told her that Vitamin C has antihistamine properties. Being of inquisitive mind, I thought I'd look and see for myself. And I found some sites with information that suggests that Vitamin C, at mega-doses, *does* have antihistamine properties. So I may need to go stock up on orange juice and give it a try (although to get the quantities they were talking about, I'd probably have to take a vitamin supplement - either that, or drink a LOT of orange juice). It can't hurt, can it?

We have a training class this afternoon, on tax issues. The way I feel, that sounds like something to put me right to sleep.

Back to work - I have things that must get done since I won't be in the office tomorrow.

Duh...

I hate it when my head is stopped up. It makes me feel like my IQ has dropped about 30 points.

I am so sleepy right now. I woke up at 4:00 this morning having a horrible coughing fit. Don't know how I didn't wake J up, but I didn't. All day I've been fighting the urge to lay my head down on my desk and take a little nap. K has plans tonight, so it's just me, the monkey boy and the ankle-biters. I hope J goes to sleep fairly early - I don't have the energy for an extended bedtime battle tonight.

I go to see the ENT on Thursday. I'm taking the whole day off, even though I could probably get it done in just half a day. I'm so tired right now, I figure I can use the extra rest I'll get if I drop J off at daycare and come home and nap a little before my 2:15 appointment. I'm curious to see what the ENT has to say. A co-worker was telling me his brother had similar problems with sinus gunk, and his ENT told him he needed to have his tonsils out. I'm not enthused at the prospect (I've heard having tonsils out is a much bigger deal at 37 than it would be at, say, 7), but if it will help clear up all this nonsense and help me not get sick so often, well, I'm all for it.

24 minutes to go. I think I can, I think I can....

Another doctor's appointment

My doc called back - she's referring me to an ENT. I'm on the phone now, trying to get an appointment set up. You know, at this point, I almost don't care what they do, as long as I freakin' feel better. This crap has been dragging on forever.

Now why can't this ever happen to me?

I was reading Confessions of a Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella last night. For those of you unfamiliar with this staple of chick lit, let me summarize. Becky Bloomwood graduates from college, heads out into the work world, and proceeds to amass mountains of debt. she is, as the title says, a shopaholic. (And boy, reading about her shopping made my stomach hurt - things that overdraw my bank account are usually things like the mortgage payment, gas for the car, groceries, one bill or another. Not some high-falutin' designer scarf regularly 340 pounds, on sale for 120.) So creditors are hounding her, and she feels like the whole world can see that she really isn't cut out to be (of all things) a financial journalist. But she gets one good story, helps out someone, gets a fabulous job that pays her more than enough to get out of debt and stash some in savings, gets the good-looking guy, and all ends up rosy. I know it's just fiction. But don't we all know someone in life who seems to get all the good breaks? And don't we, on one day or another, all feel like those lucky breaks never seem to come our way? Me personally, I'd love for a miracle job that I like with a fantastic salary to go along with it to just drop into my lap. But my luck doesn't seem to run that way.

Dang, though, I wish it did.

Oh, yeah, it's Monday.

Still feel fairly crappy, but at least we all slept all night last night. :)

My day started out with a bang. J and I went out to the driveway and what did I see? A flat on my truck! I couldn't drive on it, and it's done this several times before, so I called the tire repair service. An hour and $61 later ($61 that I didn't have, UGH), a nail has been removed from my tire and it's been patched. So J and I are fixing to hop in the car and go.

More later!

Call Roto-Rooter...

Could they unclog my nose, do you think? One side is pretty clear, but the other feels like it's filled with cement.

Looks like J gets first priority for seeing the doctor - he's got tons of green gunk in his nose, and I'm sure daycare would prefer that I get him cleared up as soon as possible. So we'll just walk in at his pediatrician's office tomorrow morning, I guess. Of course, I suggested that to him just now and he looked at me in surprise and said, "I'm not sick!" Silly boy. I'm glad he doesn't feel bad, just has the green gunk and can't breathe through his nose.

Can I just trade in my head for a new one?

I feel like hammered shit. The crud is back in full force - my head is full of green gunk, I can't breathe out of my nose, and I can't stop coughing. UGH. I guess I'll try to see the doctor tomorrow. You read so much about bacteria becoming resistant to antibiotics, I'm almost hesitant to go that route. But then on the other hand, I've been fighting this mess for a month now, and it's not going away. If I wait for it to run its course, I'll be sick until sometime this summer. Hopefully she can help. If I could just breathe through my nose and stop this infernal coughing, I could manage. No fever, at least, so there's that to be thankful for.

J is pretty boogered up, too. I'm thinking it's time to break out the humidifier so he can breathe (and hopefully sleep) better. The humidifier is a pain in the ass, but if it helps, it will be worth the effort.

K went out of town this weekend with the woman he's been seeing. The fact that he's with someone else doesn't bother me. What I'm (still) jealous of is that it's so much easier for him to make plans than it is for me. Oh, hell, I'm jealous because it seems like this whole thing is easier on him, for the most part. He moves his stuff into a nice clean apartment and gets it set up like he wants it. He can keep his house clean because 12 days out of 14, it's just him there. No little human hurricane to try to pick up after (and J is fanatic about picking up bath toys, but couldn't care less about the rest of the house - I have to resort to threats to get help there, someone explain that to me). He goes home, he sleeps where it's quiet (except for the upstairs neighbors walking around) - no 3 AM wake-up call for bad dreams or wet pants or just because. Maybe I'm just a whiner, I don't know.

J moved up to the next class at Little Gym yesterday, the Funny Bugs. This is the first class where parents don't go in with the children, and instead of so much free play, there's more structure - they have group activities, then break into smaller groups and rotate among different stations to learn different skills. Well, that went over about like a lead balloon with J. I told him I'd go into the gym and sit by the door, so he could see me, and I told him to go see the teachers and sit with the other kids (he knows all the teachers there, so it wasn't like they were strangers to him, and one little girl from his old class has moved up, too). Oh, no, that wouldn't do. He howled and cried and wanted me to go run and play with him. I said no, this is the big kid class, I'll be right here where you can see me, but you can go on and play and learn without me right next to you. So he carried on for a while, then told me to go outside and sit in a chair (they have big glass windows between the gym and the waiting areas, and chairs are in the waiting area) and he'd stay and play. That lasted about ten seconds - then he was running out to get me, wanting me to run and play, and howling the whole time I told him I wasn't going to do that. He was all excited about the concept of the big kid class, but in reality, he wasn't thrilled. But at least he stayed in the class most of the time, and the teachers said this is normal, that it takes a little while to adjust. So in a couple of weeks I'm sure he'll be pushing me out the door.

Well, time to go try to clean up the disaster that is my house. More later.

Ha.

My online fortune cookie for the day:

You are one of those people who "goes places in life".

Where? The poorhouse? The insane asylum? So far I don't seem to be going much of anywhere good.

Yes, I'm having a damned good wallow in the pity pit. Happy weekend to me.

Not good news

I called the hiring manager today, to see if there was any word on the position I interviewed for. He called back. I didn't get the job. They've made an offer to someone who had more experience, who used to work there. She hasn't accepted officially yet, but he said he felt like she would, and then the position would be filled. He said if it didn't work out, they'd keep me in mind. So it's over. I could cry. I have seriously got to find another job, from a financial standpoint if not from a stress standpoint. This job does not pay enough for me to make ends meet, and I can't keep relying on K (although he's been wonderful about helping me out), or his savings will be gone, too. And then what would happen if either of us had a true emergency? I've got bills now I don't know how I'll pay. I've already filed bankruptcy trying to get my finances straightened up. When does it freakin' get better? If I ever needed a miracle, now is the time.

I thought 2006 was supposed to be a good year. I'm not seeing it so far.

And I can't even go ease my pain with shopping therapy. I keep trying to tell myself that there's some good reason why this didn't work out, but it's not helping. And why the hell am I here, at this job? What am I supposed to learn? What am I supposed to gain from this neverending grunt work? A deeper appreciation for people slogging away in customer service jobs? Got it. A higher tolerance for bullshit and pain and stress? If the tolerance is pushed much higher, my head will pop off. I don't get it. When will something go RIGHT for me, and will I have to be living in a box under the bridge before it does?!

Man kills co-worker with defibrillator - as a joke

Co-worker's prank turns deadly

New EMT convicted in fatal prank
Though warned, he shocked a co-worker with a defibrillator

BY REX BOWMAN
TIMES-DISPATCH STAFF WRITER Jan 24, 2006


RELATED: Police Beat

LEBANON -- Joshua Philip Martin was in his fourth day on the job as a rescue-squad worker in Russell County when, in a playful mood, he decided to reach into the front seat of the ambulance and zap one of his co-workers with the defibrillator paddles. The rookie's mistake was fatal.

Yesterday, in Russell Circuit Court, a judge convicted Martin, 25, of involuntary manslaughter, warning the burly but pink-faced young man that when he returns to court in March, he likely will be sent to prison. He faces a maximum sentence of 10 years.

The target of Martin's prank was Courtney Hilton Rhoton, a 23-year-old mother of two small children who had worked her way through school to become an emergency medical technician. She went into cardiac arrest seconds after Martin placed the paddles on her chest and shoulder. Three days later, on June 4, she died.

After watching bailiffs lead Martin off to jail yesterday, the mothers of Rhoton and Martin stood at opposite ends of a narrow courthouse hallway and wept, one for the loss of her daughter, the other for the fate of her son. All agreed Martin had meant no harm, though none derived comfort from the thought.

"If they just knew Josh!" his mother, Diana White, exclaimed between sobs. "He just made a mistake. Everybody plays on the job, even cops. But with this one, it caught up. He's going to pay for it for the rest of his life."

"He was just playing around," Martin's aunt, Karen Martin, said. "Anybody who knows him knows this was not intentional."

Rhoton's mother, Sandra Davenport, could not summon words to express her grief, except to say: "Everybody loved her."

In the courtroom minutes earlier, Martin had stood with his hands deep in his pants pockets and pleaded no contest to the charge against him, allowing Russell prosecutor Mike Bush to summarize the evidence without calling witnesses. According to Bush, if the case had gone to trial, a witness would have testified that Martin, an EMT, was in the back of a Highlands Ambulance Service ambulance on June 1 when he first picked up the paddles of the manual defibrillator.

Defibrillators are used to restore heartbeats, but they can also stop a heart. Martin, though an EMT, was not yet qualified to use the defibrillator and had been told it is not something to play with, Bush said.

Rhoton was in the front passenger seat of the ambulance, and driver Michael Coleman was heading south on U.S. 19 in Lebanon when Coleman heard Rhoton tell Martin not to touch her "with that," Bush said. Coleman looked back to see Martin putting the paddles away.

But shortly afterward, Bush said, Coleman heard the "sound of a shock" and heard Rhoton yell: "Oh my God, Mike, he shocked me!" Seconds later she stiffened and then went limp. Coleman frantically tried to hold her slumping body up while driving and calling the private ambulance company's office.

Rhoton, who had been an EMT for one year, never regained consciousness. She left behind two children, Christopher and Tamra, now 6 and 4.

Yesterday, the families of the two EMTs passed each other in the hallway as they left the courtroom.

Rhoton's sister, Chanda Lawson, 30, expressed bitterness as she watched the Martin family cry: "They're crying because he's going to jail, but my sister's not coming back."

Karen Martin overheard the comment and blurted out: "Josh is a good kid! A good kid!"


Contact staff writer Rex Bowman at rbowman@timesdispatch.com or (540) 344-3612.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OK, is it just me, or does it take a special kind of dumbass for a grown man, a trained EMT, not to know (or not to at least think) that it might not be a good idea to joke around with the high-voltage medical equipment?!?! What the hell was he thinking?! Sure, his family is all torn up and thinks he's a good kid. But his stupidity cost a young mother her life, and he should pay for that with jail time. Geez, a three-year-old can understand, "don't touch that, it could hurt you".

I've probably got more to say about this, but I know Blogger is going down shortly for some maintenance, so I'll post now and edit later.

And in other good news...

J takes gymnastics at daycare (yes, in addition to Little Gym), and they're having their "Olympics" tomorrow. It's at 9:00, they'll be done by 9:30, and I could be at work by 10:00. My manager said I could come in late, and not have to use vacation time! Yay!!!! I'm excited. I always hate having to miss things at his school, because I know other kids have parents there, and he's getting old enough that he may start wondering, "hey, why aren't my mom and dad here?"

That's one thing - since we've rearranged our teams, I do like my new manager. She's helping me clear up a lot of old stuff that needed to be addressed, and that's a good thing.

Only half an hour left...!

See, I knew there was nothing in there

My doc called yesterday with my CT scan results. She said my sinuses looked fine - way better than she expected, given the never-ending round of crud I seem to have. I do have a deviated septum, and she asked if my sinus problems tended to start on the left. I said no, they start on, and are worse on, the right side. So apparently fixing the deviated septum wouldn't help any, and she sees no need for sinus surgery. Good thing, as I really didn't want it anyway - the idea of someone messing with my nose and/or face just oogs me big-time. It would have been nice, though, to have a definitive reason for the ongoing problems. She's changing my allergy medicine. Used to be, if I took my meds every day, I'd stay pretty clear most of the time. Lately, though, that clearly isn't the case. So I'm trying something new, to see if that helps. It may just be where I live (Cement Plants R Us, just look up Midlothian, Texas and air quality and see what you come up with). We'll see where things go from here.

My head is actually pretty clear at the moment, if I could just get rid of this damned cough. Sometimes it starts and I just can't stop it. Last night it woke me up several times, to the point I was afraid I'd wake J up. Bourbon, lemon and honey is the only thing I've found - all cough medicines included - that settles it down for any length of time. (Dammit, I'm out of lemons.) Sometimes it's a dry, tickly cough, sometimes it's a sort of wheezy, goopy cough. I just want it to stop. I'm sure people who don't know me think I'm a long-term smoker, the way I sound - in reality, I've never smoked anything in my life.

Let's see, what else has been going on? It's time for puppy training - they're in the chewing stage, and they get to stuff that I have no idea how they reach (stuff that's up high enough you wouldn't think they could get it). We're still working on housebreaking/paper training, and I'm sure the puppy classes will help with that. Bad thing is, the one I want to go to, at Petsmart, doesn't start until February 25. Boy, that's a long time away. Petco has a class starting a week or two earlier, but the instructor at Petsmart sounded like she was much more on top of things than the instructor at Petco. Besides, the Petsmart classes are at 2:30 in the afternoon, which works much better for our schedule.

Last week was show week at Little Gym! Since it was my free weekend, I debated whether I wanted to go - I knew if J saw me, he'd be ready to come home. But I didn't want to miss show week. So K and I worked it out to where I'd go to Little Gym, J would come back home with me on Saturday, K would treat for dinner Saturday night, and then he'd stay with J while I got some time to myself. So that's what we did. Dinner at Macaroni Grill, and then I got a little free time - ah, shopping unencumbered by a three-year-old who's ready to go RIGHT THEN, what bliss. :-) And I'm really glad I went to Little Gym - the medal ceremony was really cute, and I got some good pics. (Well, some are good, and some are just...well, action shots. LOL) The instructor said J has some good gymnastics skills - he can do a really good front roll, a back roll and a pullover on the bar with help, and several other things. I said he may have good skills, but he only does them when he wants to, not when anyone asks him to! We're moving up to the next age group starting this Saturday - this will be the class where J goes in by himself, without mama or daddy. Should be interesting - I'm sure there will be an adjustment period. But he seems excited about going.

I wish he was as excited about going to sleep. Lately his bedtime has gotten later and later - 11:30 on Thursday, 10:45 on Friday, 10:00 on Saturday, 9:00 on Sunday (he was wiped out, he fell asleep while I was reading to him), and back to 10:30 last night. AARGH. He's still napping at daycare, but he was up nearly as late on the weekend, and he doesn't nap at home. I hate to ask his teachers to keep him up during naptime - I know they need the break just as much as the kids do. And maybe that has nothing to do with it. I hope he's not getting sick - his sleep patterns go all to hell when some kind of crud is coming on.

No news on the job front yet. I'm just about to pop from wanting to know something, and I sure hope it's good news.

I hope the news is good because it would be nice to have a job I like, and because I could surely use the boost in salary. I am so tired of being broke. I've had to ask K for money several times, and he's always helped me out, but I know he's trying to save for his own stuff - he wants to buy a house sometime in the not-too-distant future. And if I keep needing, then his savings will be gone, too. I tried thinking to myself that I carried us as best as I could the first year we were married, and when K was in school, and when his temp job crapped out and he didn't get paid for days or weeks or (once in a while) months, and maybe this is karma's way of rebalancing things. But it doesn't help - I still feel like a mooch. I'm not accustomed to having to ask for help. I was raised to take care of myself and my busines, and it bothers me that I'm having a hard time doing that right now. Blech.

So since I've whined some now, I'll try to remind myself of my blessings - I know I do have some:

*I have a job. It may not be perfect, and I may wish it paid me more and was less stressful, but it's a paycheck. Without it, things would be much worse.
*I have a car that runs. It gets me from point A to point B, and it's paid for.
*K and I get along really well even though we're getting divorced. There are plenty of people out there who don't have that blessing, and it would make the whole process so much worse if he and I didn't get along.
*I've got a roof over my head, food in the pantry and freezer, and clothes to wear.
*I've got two cute puppies who make me laugh when they aren't making me swear, and they'll grow up to be two loving dogs who brighten up our days and who we'll love and take care of (and J likes to feed them every morning, so he's learning responsibility!).
*I have family that loves me - my dad, my stepmom, K's parents, my bio mom, my sister, K's bio mom and the rest of his family. Lots of people are all alone in this world.
*I have a beautiful, healthy son who's too smart for his own good, built like a Mack truck, and can try my patience daily - but when he spontaneously says, "I love you, Mama", that makes all the fits and sleep issues and potty training accidents seem so irrelevant. I want to be the mother and the person my son sees me as.

Dang it.

I called my doctor's office - no results yet from my CT scan. Hopefully they'll have them Monday. Not that I'm really expecting there to be anything wrong or anything out of the ordinary, I just want to know.

It's my late night, so I'll be here until 7:00. Fun, fun.

A random tidbit

I used to have lots of dreams about my car being stolen. I don't remember the time frame exactly - I know it was before I got my Jimmy in February 2003, so this was when K and JG were friends and spending lots of time together, and not too long after J was born. I read this on Dream Moods:

To dream that you car has been stolen, indicates that you are being stripped of your identity. This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person.

I thought that was interesting. I guess around that time, I did feel like I was being stripped of my identity. I wasn't just Lisa anymore, I was now J's mother. K was spending time with someone else, so I wasn't feeling like much of a wife. You know, I haven't had a dream about my car being stolen in ages. Guess I'm pretty secure in my identity now.

Last night's bedtime was just nasty. J couldn't turn his little brain off and settle down. He was awake until 11:30, and I was about ready to pull my hair out. Now watch, tonight he'll sleep for 12 hours at K's, and then be good to go when he comes back home - that would be my luck!

Ouch.

I fell last night. J and I were about to go to the bathroom for his bath, and I caught my foot on his plastic drum (it's a big plastic thing that comes with a bunch of other musical instruments inside it, the lid comes off). I couldn't catch my balance, and down I went. I landed hard on my right knee, slightly less hard on my right hand/wrist and left elbow. Ow, ow, OW. J asked if he could kiss my knee, and he did. Then he asked me, "Is it better now?" Sometimes he can be so sweet! I'm glad I'm not a couple of inches taller - if I were, I'd have hit my head on the brick hearth around the fireplace. Yikes. As it is, I have a goose egg on my knee (that will probably bruise), and my right hand is a little sore. I told J that this is a perfect example of why we should always pick up our toys!

No word yet from the interview. I'm trying not to fidget.

On the bright side, I do get to go to a nice luncheon today. I'm one of the people who referred the most business to another part of the bank in 2005, so I get to go to a nice restaurant and have free lunch. I'm not one to turn that down! :-)

The puppies are a mess. They're really cute, but are still small enough to slip under the gate I'd put up to keep them off the living room carpet. It's time for puppy training classes. Once they're housebroken, I'll just let them run around, and I think they'll like that a lot better. J just adores them. I don't think we could part with them now!

This is my free weekend, but I don't have any plans. Brian has a big work thing he has to go to on Saturday morning, so he can't come up here Friday. I could drive down there Friday night, but since it's my late night at work, the earliest I could be down there is 8:30. Since he has to get up early Saturday, he's got to go to sleep fairly early. All that to say, if I drove down, I'd probably end up spending more time driving than I would with him. Bummer. But that frees me up to go to Little Gym with K and J on Saturday. I'm glad, because it's show week, where they show off all they've learned. I plan to take lots of pictures!

Back to work

Yesterday the office was closed and daycare was open, so I had a day to myself. After I took J to school, I came home and took a three-hour nap in a quiet house - ah, bliss. :-) Then I ran some errands before time to pick up J.

And last night I came close to being the mom I'd like to be all the time. Since I wasn't all stressed out from work, it was a lot easier for me to be patient with J, to not get uptight about things that really aren't that big a deal in the grand scheme. It was a fun evening. Well, at least until bedtime - then it took him an hour and a half to go to sleep for no apparent reason, and then I was ready to pull my hair out. But most of the evening was good.

As for the job: It sounds just wonderful, a very Lisa job. The FSO position there is a bit different than the FSO position here, and the differences are good. The job involves a lot of reviewing of trusts on the front end, before they come into the bank, to make sure it's something the bank can administer. Lots of document review, and the FSO's job is to find a way to bring the business in. And the really good thing - when something comes in, you have two days to review it, but once you're done with it, you're done. No lingering issues, nothing to jump up and surprise you with a bite on the butt months down the road. It sounds like heaven to me. When I came back on Friday, I kept thinking of all the things I hate doing now that I wouldn't have to do if I got the new job. And of course the salary wouldn't hurt a bit. The job just seems like the answer to prayer on so many levels - financial, career, stress/emotional. There aren't enough words to say how much I want this. If I don't get it, I'll be crushed, knowing that that kind of job is out there and I'm here. Y'all please pray, cross your fingers, light candles, send good thoughts, whatever, that I get this job, and sooner rather than later.

I'm leaving early today (which is always a double-edged sword - good to get the heck out of the office, but there's no telling what will be waiting to bite me on the ass when I return). I have to go get the CT scan of my sinuses done. Should be interesting - I'm curious to see if there's really anything between my ears besides empty space. LOL

That being said, I have some things I must get done in the next three hours, so I'd better get to it.

Just a little update

I can't even remember what I wrote in my last post, isn't that sad? So I'll write here, and if I miss anything, I'll just post again.

I'm tired. I guess I'm getting used to my new blood pressure medicine. If I keep feeling like this, though, I'll call my doctor - it's supposed to make me feel better, and tired like this isn't better.

Here's a tarot reading one of my online friends did for me:

Jan 06: The Goddess The mother of all cards. You're nesting, creating a safe and loving home life for yourself and your family.

Feb: Miracles Exactly as it says. Something unexpected, wanted, and beautiful, is heading your way.

March: Golden Memories Allow yourself to remember the 'good times', to reflect and look back. This is a time for reflection and memory, acknowledging what's past is past and no longer in the present.

April: Enchantment Revel in the changes around you. Look back to the month before, and be amazed in the changes. Your happiness is in the present moment, by God you should live it up.

May: Blessings Counting your blessings ensures they continue.

June: The Mystic If you have any interest in learning something a little esoteric, now is the time. You're in control of yourself and your mystical abilities are ripening.

July: Relationship I feel this one is a new lifepartner - a very good friend or a romantic partner, not sure, but someone to help make your life have meaning by watching it.

August: Love "love is all around me, it's every where I go" - these lyrics are never more true than now. Your love is abundant, and others are warmed by it's grace.

September: Sacred Union this is suggesting that the person that appeared or was noticed in july deserves more than a passing glance. You were happy to have a good, strong relationship with them. Perhaps look deeper - this may be a foreverfriend, or it may be more.

October: Eternal Flame Those that are around you, will always be around you. In body or in spirit, they will surround your life and bring you love, joy and peace.

November: Earth Connection Track back to June. You're less grounded now,and haven't been using your gifts enough. Ground yourself daily. Explore what you have. It's safe to do so.

December: Answered Prayer Exactly as it says. This is something to do with children, but I cannot be any more specific than this. You're not meant to know yet.

Jan 07: Transience You have emerged from 2006 a stronger, more loving woman. You have transformed yourself into a beautiful being on a higher plane. This will only continue.

Year as a whole: Embrace Embrace what you have... Embrace what's to come... Trust in God.

Pretty cool, I thought! One thing that really piqued my interest is what she said about December. I've sworn I'm not having any more kids - for one, my life circumstances don't exactly lend themselves to me having any more right now, for two, I'm not getting any younger, and for three, J is more than I can handle some days. But this is the second reading I've had that's mentioned children. The first one, that I had done back in July, the woman who did it asked me if I'd ever had a miscarriage. I said no, and she said she saw two children around me, one of them a girl. ??? And now this, some answered prayer about children. I'm curious, to say the least.

I'll write more later, after J is asleep.

The never-ending crud

Apparently that's what I've got. I took 1/2 day off this afternoon to go to the doctor, because I woke up this morning feeling like the right side of my face had been hit by a truck. All the snot seems to migrate to that side, and it's just a yucky feeling. So I decided I'd better not mess with it anymore.

I got a shot (I was stunned, that's just about unheard of around here - unlike my doc back home, who gave you a shot for everything), an antibiotic, and orders to go have a CT scan done of my sinuses to see if there's anything going on in there that's contributing to the eternal sinus infection. I also got a different prescription for blood pressure medicine - my old one clearly wasn't working, as my BP was pretty high. (It's official, someday my job really *will* make my head pop off - all the more reason to find a new one, don't you think?) I asked about the possibility of increasing the Wellbutrin, and she said it could be done, but since the pills don't come in any higher dose than 300 mg (what I'm taking now), to increase it you have to get two prescriptions (one for 300-mg strength and one for 150-mg strength), and the insurance company tends to give that the big hairy eyeball, wanting to know why two prescriptions. (Because I feel like slugging something sometimes when I get mad? I think that's a fairly good reason.) So I'll wait and see what happens with the job, to see if a different work environment might relieve enough stress that I don't get quite so agitated. If not, then we'll either up the Wellbutrin or I'll try something different.

And now, I must go rummage through my closet in search of something to wear tomorrow. The hiring manager said they were business casual, but I wouldn't feel right going business casual to an interview. So I'm hoping for something halfway professional to magically appear out of the dreck that is my wardrobe. Most of my nice-ish clothes are black, and my one decent pair of pumps that doesn't kill my feet is a dark brown. What a conundrum. But I'd better go find something, since I can't exactly go naked.

The details

The job is a step up from what I currently do. Instead of a trust administrator position, it's a fiduciary services officer position. Lots more responsibility, lots more challenge (which means I wouldn't get bored - a major problem at my current job, the work is stressful because of the workload but I don't get intellectual challenges very often), and a bigger paycheck. The recruiter asked for my salary history, and when I told her what I make currently, she said, "Oh, I think we can do better than that." The salary range for this job? Low end $70,000, high end $90,000! I would just faint dead away, I think. So I'm excited about the interview. If I get the job, I'll be scared shitless.

Brian called tonight. We talked for about 45 minutes, about this and that. He's got something going on (work-related, so he can't get out of it) on my next free weekend (Jan. 20-21), so we won't be able to get together that weekend. Boo. I told him I'd also realized that on my next free weekend following the weekend of Jan. 20-21, I have something on Saturday morning. I have my co-parenting class from 8:30 to 12:30, which I have to have to get a hearing date for my divorce and to get that finalized. He's so sweet - he said we'd just have to make use of Friday evening and Saturday afternoon, then, and I could just point him to a bookstore or library for that time I was in class and he'd be fine. I like him. He said he realized I'd filed on his birthday, and he thought that was kind of funny. I said yeah, I filed for divorce and got puppies that day, it was a good day.

I'm feeling about half like crap, so I'd better get some sleep. I'm debating just taking all of Friday off and going to the doc Friday morning - my ear is starting to hurt, which means the crud is trying to make a comeback. And I don't want to feel barfy for my interview!

G'night!

My list of things to fix

While I'm thinking about it, I'm going to start a list of all the things I want to do/repair/upgrade around the house when I have the money to do so.

Essential:
~Have garage door fixed.
~Have dirt brought in to build back up around the foundation where it's worn away.
~Have wobbly toilet in guest bathroom fixed.
~Have fence put up.

Preferred:
~Have carpet replaced with hardwood or laminate floors.
~New window treatments for the front rooms of the house.

Nice if I have the extra cash:
~Have landscaping redone and sod put in the yard.
~Leather sofas for living room.
~Replace white cabinets in kitchen (why did I ever think *white* cabinets were a good idea?!)
~Redo kitchen countertops in Corian or comparable material; maybe granite if I really come into a wad of cash.

It's been a day. One bright note - I talked to the recruiter. I'll write more about it when I'm home.

Interview and other random thoughts

OK, not a face-to-face interview at this point, but I am talking to the recruiter tomorrow on the phone! She's in Arizona, hence the phone interview first (I guess to make sure I'm not a total waste of space before an in-person interview is scheduled in Dallas). My phone interview is at noon, so y'all think good "new job" thoughts for me! If it pays a good bit more than what I make now and the workload isn't quite so batshit crazy, I am so there if the job is offered to me. I think a sparkly new job would be a fabulous way to start off 2006, don't you?

K has been seeing someone for about three months now. They had a falling out and K thought about breaking it off, but they've worked it out after talking yesterday. So they had plans tonight. Who says the universe has no sense of humor? K gets make-up sex and I get puppy poop. :-p

On that note, the puppies went outside tonight instead of on my floor! Woo!!! Of course, after J's bath, I went into the kitchen and found them tearing hunks out of their foam rubber bed (the part they could get to under the cover that's on it). AARGH. I see some puppy training classes in our future.

And J is asleep in my bed. He was up until after 10:00 tonight - 10:15, 10:30, I don't know. He was near hysterical wanting to sleep with me, so I let him. I told him it was just for tonight, though, that tomorrow he'd sleep in his bed. I'm scared to death that he'll fall off the bed, and really hoping he doesn't wake up soaked (and soak my nice mostly-new mattress in the process - it doesn't have a waterproof pad like his bed does), so I may not get too much of a good night's sleep. (So why, then, am I still up????)

Insert clever post title here

Because I just can't think of one today. The morning sucked ass before it was even 10:00. The hot water faucet handle in my shower came off this morning. It just needs to be screwed back on, but I didn't have time to mess with it today, so I had to wash my hair in the bathtub. (Thank goodness my hair isn't long like it used to be - it would have really been a chore then!) The puppies pooped on the floor four times. (Not their fault, just mess for me to try to clean up before I got out the door.) I had to take money from J's savings to keep my account from overdrawing before payday. (I'm 13 years out of law school, I should *not* be this broke all the time.) The seat belt on the side of the car where J's booster seat usually is jammed, so we had to switch the seat to the other side. Daycare drop-off was absolute flaming hell (more on that momentarily). And I was late to work - big-time late. UGH.

I'm getting concerned about J's separation anxiety. He doesn't want to let go of me at daycare - no matter how much I reassure him that I'm coming back, no matter that he tells me I'm coming back (so on some level he knows this), he cries and screams and says he's scared every time. This morning his teacher offered him a treat if he'd be a big boy and go with her, and he still wouldn't let go of me. And he was howling like a banshee when I left. This is killing me. Part of it may be him trying to manipulate me, but I think part of the reason that he so much wants to stay with me is because K has moved out, and J is anxious about that. I told K that I think we should take him to see a counselor - if it turns out just to be a function of age, well, then we'll know, and if not, perhaps the counselor can help. All I know is, I can't keep on with drop-off going like this, especially if I'm considering a new job. If I were to start somewhere new, I wouldn't be able to be late every day. Besides, it hurts me that J is so upset when I leave. After I've been gone a few minutes, I know he's fine - it's not like he sits in the corner all day and just sobs. But still, it's no fun to hear your child screaming for you as you walk away to come to a job that sucks ass.

I e-mailed my friend Kathy today - her son was about J's age when she and her ex split up, and their split wasn't amicable. She'd previously given me the name of a counselor who saw her son, and I wanted to ask her if her son had gone through this serious separation anxiety. She said he'd had some problems with acting out aggressively and not eating, and the counselor said he was very angry. I don't think J is angry - he's always happy to see daddy, and he isn't aggressive toward anyone (exuberant with me and K, but not angry). I think he's just anxious and insecure. I'm going to call Kathy tonight and we'll talk some more. It's good to have a friend who's gone through this and who can offer advice and support.

And the day has improved somewhat. I'm totally not interested in doing any work, but at least I don't want to just sit here and cry. So that's a step in the right direction.

A happy surprise

I was pleasantly surprised to get a voice mail message on my cell phone from a recruiter with JP Morgan - she said I'd been referred to her for a position similar to what I do now (although hopefully paying a good bit more and with just a shade less stress!) in Dallas, and would I be interested. Well, it can't hurt to call and talk, now can it?! I called back this afternoon, but got her voice mail. I'll try again tomorrow.

And this was totally out of left field. All I can figure is, I interviewed for a trust administrator position (slightly different from what I do now, but the same general area) with them several months ago, and perhaps the woman I talked to then sent them my resume now. I guess I'll find out when I talk to the recruiter.

This is such an unexpected thing, maybe it will turn out to be something really good. Y'all keep your fingers crossed!

Wow, it's 11:15 and I haven't eaten dinner. I don't guess peanut butter fudge ice cream would be a real good nutritional choice, would it?

Let me go tuck the ankle-biters in and get something smallish to eat, so I can get maybe 5 hours' good sleep. More later!

And then it was Monday

Yuck. I'm thinking about many things at the start of the new year, one of the top things on my list being work.

I just don't want to be here. I've been out of law school 13 years, I should be at a point where I'm doing moderately well financially, not scraping and struggling about how I'll make it from one paycheck to the next. I don't have a lot of extravagant debt - I filed bankruptcy to get out from under the credit card debt, and still I struggle. Extravagance is buying an occasional CD at Target or getting takeout for dinner from Sonic, it's not about jewelry and expensive clothes and luxury items. I shouldn't have to worry if I'll have the money for daycare in my account when it's time to pay, or if buying a new outfit will keep me from paying a bill, or if I'll be able to pay for my child's education or my retirement. I'm 37 years old, and I have NOTHING saved for retirement - everything I'd saved before, we had to use when I changed jobs because our finances sucked, and I don't make enough here to even put anything in my 401(k). That's just not right. The workload is enormous, and it never slows down, it never gets any better - once you're behind, you just keep getting farther behind. There's no light at the end of the tunnel. It stresses me out, and I don't like the person this job makes me. Something has got to give, and I just hope it's not my sanity that gives first.

To go from such a good weekend to this - that's just wrong. Blech. If I can't find a job I'm passionate about (and I'm beginning to think there's no such job out there), is it too much to ask to find one that I at least enjoy and that pays me decently?

There, whine over for now. Back to the grind.

Happy weekend!

It's been a really, really fun weekend. And boy, am I tired!

Brian got me a Christmas gift! Nothing big, just some bath goodies, but still...I was touched that he did, I certainly wasn't expecting that.

We went to dinner at Macaroni Grill, and then to see The Chronicles of Narnia last night - that movie kicked ASS. It's something that you need to see on the big screen. It stayed pretty true to the book, and the soundtrack was phenomenal. And the scenery and effects - wow. I got cold just looking at the White Witch's palace.

Then I had one little errand to run - I needed puppy pads for the little ankle-biters. So we stopped by the 24-hour Wal-Mart, and Brian carried my things for me. I handed him one, and started to carry the other package myself, and he said no, he'd take it, that I had a lot to learn about letting a guy take care of me. Like I'm going to turn that down! :-)

I did get my lovely back rub last night - 'scuse me while I turn into a little puddle of mush on the floor. We stayed up stupid late, taking the puppies out, talking, just goofing around - I think it was after 3:00 before we called it a night. (When you consider that the movie wasn't over until after midnight, though, I guess that's not so late.)

And yes, he did sleep over, and yes, he did sleep in my bed. But no clothes came off, and we're both good with that. (That actually makes me like him more, because he's not just after sex.) It was nice just to have someone to snuggle with, someone who's snuggling because he's happy I'm there. And it was lovely waking up this morning next to a big huggable guy playing with my hair. Oops, there I go turning into a puddle of mush again.

He took the puppies out for me this morning - I must say, I like having a guy around who likes doing things for me! We had to leave by 1:00 to get to the basketball game at 3:00, and since we slept in (until after 10:00), we didn't have a whole lot of time to spend together today. Maybe next time we'll have a weekend with no events planned.

Then we went to the Baylor/Texas women's basketball game. It's WAY more fun going to a game where your team wins. Y'all might remember, the Lady Bears were NCAA national champions last year, and the pre-game is now a big, big production. It gave me chills and made me tear up thinking that my school is doing so well and is now getting national recognition in a fairly major sport. Granted, women's basketball isn't on quite the same level as football, but it's a lot more visible than other sports where Baylor traditionally does well (baseball, tennis, track and field). And it turned out to be a good, good game. The Lady Bears were a little sluggish at first, and there were some bad calls (and calls not made that should have been), but they came out swinging in the second half and ended up winning by about 15 points. There again, it was just so much fun going to a Baylor game with Brian - he went there, too, and he loves it as much as I do. I saw lots of people there with their little children, some really little, like less than a year old. I wish I could have brought J to games when he was that age. I will take him now that he's getting older, though - I can't wait to take him to a football game.

After the game, Brian had to go into work at his second job, so he brought me back to my car (we'd taken two cars down) and we said goodbye. I feel pretty sure he'll be back up here, because he left a couple of things at the house. Nothing like clothes or a toothbrush (I am so not to that point!), just things I know he plans on keeping, and he didn't leave them by accident.

And now I'm home, happy because I've had such a good weekend, a little down because he's not here, and a whole lot tired. We had to walk almost a mile to and from the car at the game - the parking lots that were close in were full by the time we got there. Between that and the excitement of the game, I'm just drained. I may watch a movie on DVD, or I may just take the ankle-biters out, take a hot bath, and get to bed somewhat early for once.

I'm a happy girl.

I'm still here

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted! I haven't fallen off the planet or anything, I've just been really busy.

Here are the puppies!



The black and tan is Bonnie, and the mostly black is Clyde. Clyde is the larger and more dominant of the two, but Bonnie can pin him down every once in a while. With the exception of the training process (and attendant clean-up), they're really good puppies. Once they're asleep, they stay asleep until they hear me or J of a morning. That's why I got two. :) J loves them - I couldn't get rid of them now if I wanted to.

Speaking of J, he's been on a tear lately. I was off Wednesday, for his allergist appointment and for the puppies' first vet appointment. At the vet's office, the puppies were better behaved than J was. I can't tell you how many times that day I told him how disappointed I was in his behavior. A fit at the allergist's office (more on that momentarily), a fit in Target (when we were shopping and waiting to get his prescriptions filled), a fit at the vet's office - it was NOT a restful day for me at all.

I guess the fit at the allergist's is understandable, though. She retested him for allergies, since he was so young when he was first tested. God forbid, he had to sit still for a whole five minutes! LOL Anyway, he didn't react to anything, and she said food allergies weren't real likely at this age, that they usually show up sooner. I explained about where we live (a cement plant or two, a steel plant, and a tire disposal facility all in close proximity), and she said the cause of his congestion may just be air pollution. I know that my allergies/sinuses have gotten worse since we've moved here. But it doesn't look like allergies were at the root of his latest round of sleep hell. It may have just been that he was starting with a sinus infection - he always gets wound up when he's getting sick (just never *that* bad), and he's been better now that he's feeling better.

It's date night! Make that date weekend. Brian is coming up here tonight, we're going to the movies and probably out to eat, and I'm driving down there tomorrow, and we're going to the Lady Bears basketball game (they're playing UT, so it should be a good game). Yay!!!

Work - our manager has taken a new position here, and he starts on Monday. So our team ha been split up and merged with the two other teams, and rumors abound about what might happen next. There's speculation that the center may eventually be closed completely (although some of the higher-ups deny that), and I think everyone is dusting off their resumes. We already know this merger of teams is going to be a temporary thing - we just don't know how temporary or what happens next. Ugh. Isn't job uncertainty fun?!

And that's my life in a rather small nutshell. More later!

It's been quite a week.

Christmas was pretty fun. J has decided he likes puppies (good thing, since we did get two - more on that momentarily). He chased Kevin's parents' dog to the point that she started running away when she saw him. LOL And one of my step-relatives (I've got a ton) brought her little chihuahua to my dad's house, and J chased after that - "here, doggie, come here, doggie"! LOL It was nice to get to spend Christmas Day with my family (step-family and all) - it's been a long time since I was able to do that, and even longer since I was able to do it without stress (K and my dad didn't get along, and K never did particularly warm up to the step-family - I think of them as mine just because their mom married my dad, but he didn't see it that way). J got far too many presents, and I got some nice things, too, even though my dryer was my big present. I got some smell-good stuff (Amarige, yummy!), two really pretty candleholders, a Target gift card, and lots of fun things in my stocking. J had a very Bob the Builder Christmas - lots of Bob Legos, a talking Scrambler and talking Travis, and a host of other things. (Including a huge box of crayons - I have K's mom to thank for that, I'll be calling when J tries them out on the cabinets!)

It was sort of a bittersweet Christmas, knowing this was the last true "family" Christmas with K's parents. I'm sure it baffles them that K and I can get along so well, drive across the country for Christmas and all, but don't feel like we can stay married. But I know from my point of view, I could never trust K's feelings for me again if we had decided to try to fix the marriage - he didn't set out looking for a romantic relationship, but fell into one (well, not a relationship, necessarily, since the feelings were never actively returned - although I'd eat my hat if she didn't feel the same about K as he felt about her - but inappropriate feelings for someone not his wife), and didn't back away from it when he realized those feelings were developing. I'm not waiting for that shoe to drop again. So that's my biggest reason for getting out of my marriage. And if K isn't happy being married to me, I'd never want to make him stay - that's just asking for misery down the road. So I'm sorry the divorce will upset K's parents, but it's not my job to make them happy. (And no, no comments were made during Christmas - it was just a nice visit.)

I filed the divorce papers yesterday. Today I'll mail the waiver of citation that K has signed, and once the court has gotten that, I can call for a hearing date. We have to take a co-parenting class before things can be finalized. That's not a problem, though, since I reckon we're better off in that department than a lot of people getting divorced are. So it's kind of mind-boggling to think that in two or three months, I could really be a free woman again. What a way to start off 2006, huh? :) Here's to good things in the new year.

And yes, we have puppies! K and I talked, and we both think it's a good thing for J to have animals, so he's helping with the costs. He's even offered to come over on Friday night, sleep on the couch, and get up with J and/or puppies should they need attention so I can get some sleep. :) (I'm telling you, we get along better as friends than as spouses!) And the puppies are cute. Lots of work right now, and sometimes it's a challenge wrangling both puppies and boy. But J is so excited about them, I couldn't take them back (the woman I got them from said they would take the puppies back if it didn't work out - nice option to have, but I'm trying to think long-term here). He's still getting used to them, but overall he's excited about them. We've named them Bonnie and Clyde. I should have named Clyde "Houdini", since he can get out of most everything. And Bonnie is still small enough to slip under the gate between the kitchen and living room, so I've got heavy things in front of the gate. I'll get something set up outside, with shelter, so they can play outside during the day while we're gone. Their first vet appointment is next Wed., Jan. 4, for shots and worming. Bonnie has more of the schnauzer look, and Clyde looks more like a terrier. They're pretty good about sleeping - they settled down in their beds when I started turning the lights down last night, and I didn't hear a peep from them until 5:50 this morning (J woke up at 5:40, and I think they heard us talking). It helps that they're used to sleeping together, and I think it helps that there are two of them - they can keep each other company. It's tiring, but I think we'll all adjust OK. And they won't be puppies forever. I'll post pics when I get some good ones taken.

I have a lot of J funnies to share from the trip, but I'll have to do that later - after being out of the office for a couple of days, I am slammed with work. AACK.

Swingsets and road trips and puppies, oh my!

The swingset is now in the back yard. J loves it. We had to go try it out last night, and this morning the second thing he asked (after asking if we were going to school and having a fit when I told him yes) was, "Can we go outside and go down the whee?" LOLOL So we had to make one trip down the slide before we left. Once it warms up, I seriously don't think he'll ever want to come inside again. I need to shorten the chains on the swings and the trapeze - J is so tall that they don't need to be quite so long. But it was money well spent (spent by K, not me, as I have none) to get it put together - had K and I tried to do it the night of Christmas Eve, after J went to bed, well, that would have just been ugliness.

As an added bonus, the guy who put the swingset together was in the construction business for years, and does all sorts of handywork - painting, plumbing, electrical. I told him I'd have to keep his number, that I'd have all sorts of jobs I'd need his help on!

I may be crazy, but it looks like we're going to get puppies. YIKES! A co-worker forwarded an e-mail to me - someone was looking to sell nine miniature schnauzer/toy terrier mix puppies, and I'm hoping to get two of them. I called the woman who has them for sale - got her voice mail and left a message, so hopefully she'll call me back. I thought two puppies would be better than one, that way they'd have some companionship while I'm at work. I've never had inside dogs before (my pets were always outside), so this will be a new experience. (The good thing is, I'm already used to a small boy having accidents on the carpet, so if a puppy pees on the carpet, it's not the end of the world.) Ye gods, puppies and a three-year-old, have I completely lost my mind? And with puppies and a swingset, J will now want it to be Christmas every day. LOLOL I'll have to get a fence put up now.

And the road trip cometh. We're heading out tomorrow after we're off work - I get off at 2:00, so we'll probably be heading out between 3:00 and 3:30. I think people are confused by the fact that K and I are traveling together. I just talked to my dad, and he asked if K and I were back together. I said no, we're friends, we're J's parents, and we get along well enough to travel together for Christmas, but we're not back together. I hope K's parents aren't getting their hopes up that us traveling together means we may be reconciling, but I'm afraid they may take it that way. I guess it is odd for exes to get along really well, but K and I do. I personally think it's a good thing.

At any rate, we haven't even left yet, and I'm already tired. I have a ton to do tonight, so I sure hope J goes to sleep at a halfway sensible hour. I'd like to color my hair, but if it doesn't get done, well, then, it doesn't.

Sleep. J fought bedtime until about 10:00 last night, but was up only three times. Woo. I actually got a 2 1/2 hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep, from 4:00 (the last time I got J back to sleep) to 6:30 (when I quit hitting snooze on my alarm). Woo woo. I'm still tired, but at least I haven't walked into any walls today.

Work to do: Lots. Motivation to do it: Zero.

It's almost my phone time. I'd better log in and take calls - happy happy, joy joy.

I've stopped making sense

It's official - I'm so tired I'm not making sense anymore. It's all I can do not to lay down on the floor under my desk and go to sleep.

Yes, sleep hell continues. Last night J fought sleep until 10:00 or so, had two rounds of bad dreams (crying/talking/thrashing in his sleep to the point where I had to go in and soothe him, but he didn't wake up), and then woke up at least three times (maybe more, I've lost count). I'm fried. When you fall asleep walking out of the bathroom and run into the wall, that's not a good thing. (Yes, I did that at work this morning - fortunately, no one was around to be entertained by the spectacle.)

This has got to be something beyond just the usual three-year-old desire to put off bedtime. If it were an occasional thing, and just whining over going to bed, I'd chalk it up to his age. But fighting sleep every night when he's so tired he can barely stand up (so it's not like he's caught a second wind and is running around all energized), waking up multiple times every night - there's bound to be more to it than just not wanting to miss something. We have an appointment with his pediatrician on the 27th. Hopefully she can either help us figure out the cause or refer us to a specialist who can help. This isn't good for me or for J - we both need our rest, and we aren't getting it. I hope we can figure something out before I just collapse in a heap.

While we're in Louisiana, with grandparents handy, I'm just going to let them bond with their grandson while I go find a room, close the door and take a much-deserved nap. That would be the best Christmas present I could get, I think.

J's swingset is being put together today. I gave up on the idea of keeping it a secret from him - I just told him Santa came early and one of Santa's helpers would put it together for us. He was good with that! He was so excited this morning, watching all the parts come out of the box. He wanted to go down the "whee" (the slide) right then, and I had a heck of a time convincing him that it wasn't put together yet to where we could! I asked him if he was excited about the swingset. "Yeah." I asked him if he'd ever want to go inside again once it was put together. "No." LOLOLOL

Only an hour and a half to go - let me try to make myself concentrate on work enough to actually get something done.

Does coffee come in an IV drip?

Either I'm getting old, or I'm just too sleep-deprived for words. J went to sleep around 9:45 last night (I think), and then he was up at least four times during the night (I think I lost count) - "Mama, come lay down with me." Most of the time he went back to sleep in fairly short order once I came and sat with him (didn't lay down, he wanted to sleep on the floor and there's not enough room for me, him and all his toys), but once or twice he was restless and took a bit to get settled. And then of course I had to pry his little butt out of bed at 7:30 - "no, Mama, I want to lay down!" I said, well, of course you do, you were up half the night! So I'm just fried today.

I've been doing some research on possible allergies that might affect a child's sleep. One thing that seems fairly common is a milk allergy. J is already drinking soy milk, but he does eat a lot of cheese, and he's had a good bit of it in the last few days. I may try cutting cheese out of his diet and seeing if it helps. If not, he has a follow-up with his allergist Jan. 4. I'm going to ask her if we should do allergy tests again to see if anything shows up now (he was tested at 18 months, and he was just too young for anything to show up then). I'll make dietary changes if it means both of us getting a good night's sleep.

The Christmas party at work yesterday was pretty fun. It was nice not to have to worry about answering the phones for half a day. Of course, today we're all being asked to answer incoming calls. Have I mentioned lately that I really hate phone time? Had I wanted to work at a call center, I wouldn't have wasted time and money going to law school.

I talked to K's mom this morning. I know they're going to take it hard when we file. We've always done big Christmas stockings for Christmas morning, and she was saying that K won't like the stuff that's in his. I asked her why not, and she said it was house-type stuff, that as long as he still had the apartment, he might as well have things to go in it. She said she was hoping he'd have been back home by now. She also said that K's grandmother (who'll be there Christmas) doesn't know about the separation - again, she didn't tell her because she was hoping this would have blown over by now. I feel bad knowing that they'll take this hard, because I know they will. I just couldn't tell her right before Christmas that we're going to file. *SIGH* I know, it's not my place to make sure they're happy, but still - they're family, and I hate that this will hurt them.

I'm sure I had other things to write about, but this fog of weariness has driven anything I'd planned to say clean out of my mind.

Ready to face another week? Hardly.

Today has been another day with J in grumpy, whiny, full-throttle three-year-old mode. He woke up twice last night - not for long, just long enough to get me out of bed - and didn't get up for the day until after 7:30, so I thought he might have gotten a pretty good rest. Apparently not. He was a grump from the get-go - he'd freak out and howl over the least little thing. K came over, and several times J told him no, go 'way daddy, I just want mama. And when K was leaving, J wouldn't give him a hug for anything - said he didn't want to. He was fussy like that the rest of the evening, and I'm not sure why. He was asleep before 8:00 tonight - either he's really tired, possibly having a growth spurt, or he's getting sick. I sure hope he's not getting sick, especially not right before our trip to Louisiana.

So the work week ended on a sour note with my plans falling through, and I'm still bummed out over that. I was hoping I'd have heard from Brian today, but I haven't. He doesn't have Internet access at home, so I don't usually hear from him on weekends. Sometimes I do, though, and after things didn't work out for Friday, I was hoping he'd have made the effort to go by the office and write just a little note. Nope. I'm trying not to be bothered much by that. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

It looks like we'll be filing for divorce after Christmas. K asked me today if I'd worked on the papers any more. I said I had, and that I'd printed them out. He looked over them, and there weren't any big surprises there. I'm taking the 27th off to rest up after the trip home, and K said that since I'd be off then anyway, we may as well go ahead, finish up the paperwork and file - that way I can do it that day, without having to take any additional time off work (since I'm in the doghouse for that). So before long I'll be on the way to officially being a single woman again. It's kind of an odd thought - not necessarily unpleasant, just odd. I've been married almost 11 years. It's kind of weird thinking I'll no longer be part of a couple. Not necessarily where I envisioned myself 11 years ago, but not necessarily a bad place to be, either.

I'd better get some sleep, just in case J wakes up at 5 tomorrow. I hope not, but you never know.

Monday, ugh. At least we have our Christmas party at work tomorrow, so I only have to work half a day - the second half of the day we'll be playing.

Saturday

It's been a tiring day. J was home earlier than I'd expected - the original plan was for him to be home around noon, perhaps even a little later. Well, my phone rang just before 10 this morning. J had decided he'd rather go to the big house and see mama than go to Little Gym, so K said they'd be here shortly, after they went back to the apartment and picked up J's things. J was so excited to see me, I could hardly be mad about that. But having not much more than a good night's sleep to myself, combined with the disappointment of last night's plans falling through, has served to put me in a funk most of the day. Not a good day to forget to take my Wellbutrin.

My garage door opener has now started acting up. Great, another thing to fix. I must find a better-paying job, or win the lotto, or both. I'm tired of not being able to fix things that break or pay my bills on time (yeah, and I just thought bankruptcy would solve the problem of too much debt and not enough cash - apparently my current job doesn't even pay enough for me to make ends meet and buy a couple of Christmas gifts, too).

I can't believe we'll be traveling to Louisiana in less than a week. Just thinking about that trip makes me tired, and we haven't even left yet. I'm taking the 27th off, and I am SO looking forward to that mental health day.

I'd better get some sleep. J was snoring by 8:30, and I hope he'll sleep until at least 7:30, but of course I can't count on that.

It's raining on prom night...

My hair is a mess,
It's running all over
My taffeta dress....

(Does anyone but me know that song, and am I really dating myself by the fact that I know it?)

No, not really. Prom is long behind me. But that's sort of how I feel right now - I had a fun evening to look forward to and it was taken away from me due to events beyond my control. Brian was going to come up tonight, but he called and said he'd have to cancel. The alternator went out in his car - of all the rotten bad timing. We talked about the possibility of me driving down there, and he said he'd thought of that, but that it was one thing for him to make the long drive (about 90 miles) in dark, drippy weather, as he only had himself to worry about, and another thing entirely for me, as I have a son who needs me. So we're going to try to get together the first weekend in January. With all the Christmas goings-on, it's not going to happen before then. I'm disappointed, to put it mildly - I know it's not the end of the world, but dammit, I was looking forward to a night out. My opportunities to get out are so few and far between that I hate to miss one. Nice to have the time at home all to myself, but still. It's a letdown.

It was so nice to come home yesterday to a bathroom that wasn't all humid and damp, and SO nice not to hear the sound of water constantly running in the pipes. I'm very, very glad to have my shower fixed.

One of my co-workers was let go today. It was one of these announcements that comes with no warning, so-and-so is leaving to pursue other opportunities. I don't know all the whys and wherefores, and there may be something I don't know, something he did that led to him being let go. I just hate to see this happen to anyone, especially at this time of year. Merry Christmas, huh?! And whenever one of those e-mails comes out, we all worry a little bit that we could be next. I may gripe about my job, and may not think it's ideal, but a paycheck is infinitely preferable to no paycheck.

I really, really want to win the lotto. Then I won't have to worry about working, or at least I'll be able to do something I really enjoy, and not just something that has decent salary and benefits.

Better!

My mood is better today - not so much like a little black rain cloud.

My shower is fixed!!!! Yay!!!!! K called around 11:45 to say the plumbers had finished. And they'll send a bill in the mail - I think that's the first time I've ever heard of that, every other person I've had come out has collected on the spot. I'm just glad that tonight I'll be able to scrub that shower and give it a damn good cleaning. And that I won't hear the rushing river in my bathroom anymore. I shudder to think what my water bill will be next month.

And today is one day closer to Friday! I have plans this weekend - Brian will be driving up to see me. We're going to see The Chronicles of Narnia - I've heard it's good, and I love C.S. Lewis, so I'm excited about that. Tomorrow is my late night at work - suck - but at least I've got something fun afterward to look forward to.

As for work - the group that usually answers our incoming calls from the 800 number is out of the office all afternoon for a team-building session. That means we all have to take calls from the 800 number ALL AFTERNOON. That's my idea of hell. I think I've said this before, but there are not enough words in the English language to describe the depth of my dislike for phone time. And to have to do it for four hours - ugh, that just makes my stomach hurt.

J is still sleeping in his room. Granted, he was on the floor of his room last night rather than in his bed, but he was still in his own space and I was in mine. So hopefully that's a trend that will continue.

Now it's off to my afternoon of phone hell. UGH.

Has anyone seen my Christmas spirit?

Because I don't seem to have it. Or maybe it's just that everything feels flat today. I'm tired, my job stresses me out, and it feels neverending.

On the bright side, J is now sleeping in his own bed again, for the past two nights (he did wake up at 3:40 this morning wanting to sleep with me, though). The little stinker finally fessed up that he was just telling me there was a ghost so he could sleep in mama's bed. Now he'll tell me there's a ghost, and I'll ask him if he wants me to make the ghost go away. He says, no, it can stay, he's a happy ghost. Stinker!!! So hopefully we can both start getting a good night's sleep.

I missed our team Christmas party on Monday afternoon - I had to take J to the doctor. Surprise, surprise, he's got a sinus infection. He's all congested and coughing, so I'm sure that doesn't make it any easier to sleep. Hopefully the medicine will kick in soon and he'll get to feeling better. (Not that being sick slows him down any, I just know it's a fairly rotten feeling to be all stopped up and have a goopy cough.) Never mind that the whole team was out of the office at the party anyway - since I wasn't at the company-sanctioned event, I had to use 1/2 a sick day to miss the party. I wasn't surprised, just irritated. And maybe I'm wrong to be irritated, but I was anyway.

I've decided that the parent with primary custody gets child support as hazard pay. It's hard work getting J up and dressed every day while getting myself dressed (it's hard to get dressed without your child asking questions about body parts you may not quite be ready to answer when he insists on following you into the bathroom and tries to run off with the towel you've wrapped around yourself!); hard work telling him every morning that we don't have time to play, we have to get ready for work and school (and dealing with the attendant meltdowns - it breaks my heart that we really don't have the time to sit down and play of a morning, because I know he just wants attention from his mama); hard work prying him off my leg at daycare and trying to reassure him that I love him and will be back as I'm leaving him someplace he says he doesn't want to be (yes, I know he likes school once he's there, and I don't usually cry over drop-off anymore, but it's still hard to handle him watching me reproachfully as I leave); hard work wrangling him to bed 12 nights out of 14. It's just hard. I wish that one morning out of five I had the luxury of getting dressed without a small boy shadowing my every move and without having the added stress of daycare drop-off. But logistics don't really allow for J to stay with K on a weeknight - given where he lives and the way he goes to work, it would be a challenge for him to get J to daycare and still get himself to work on time.

And this may sound bad, because I know K is a good dad, and I know he loves J. But sometimes it seems like it's easier for him to sort of "turn off" being dad for a bit, secure in the knowledge that J is with me. I'm talking about in a social context. K is very good about his weekends with J - he takes the whole weekend unless there's some special circumstance, and he sees J a lot because he comes over in the evenings and also some on my weekends with J. But he has a lot more flexibility in terms of making plans than I do, and I guess I'm jealous. If he wants to go to lunch on a Sunday afternoon, or to dinner on a weeknight, he just calls and says he won't be over. And he goes out and does what he wants to do. It's not that he's skipping out on his appointed time with J - he isn't. But he has the freedom of knowing that he doesn't have to worry about finding child care for J because J is with me. I'm limited to every other weekend as far as making any plans (until I find someone I can trust to take care of J), since we've agreed that no one spends time with or meets J until we're fairly sure that person is around for the long term (not necessarily marriage, but certainly more than just a casual date or two or three). I don't like that, having so little time to do things. Of course, since the guy I've gone out with a couple of times lives about 90 miles away, we're pretty much limited to seeing each other on weekends anyway - it would be a challenge to go out on a weeknight! But who knows, I may end up going out with someone local at some point, and when I'm to the point where I'd be interested in a long-term relationship, that would be something hard to accomplish if I could only see the person I was interested in every other weekend. I'm going to have to find a babysitter at some point. All that whining and I'm not sure what point I was trying to make, or even if I had one. I just wish I had a little more leeway in terms of making plans, were the opportunity to make plans to present itself.

At least it's Wednesday. And the plumbers are coming first thing tomorrow!!!! WOO!!!!! Tonight is the LAST night I have to hear Niagara Falls in my bathroom. Good thing, because the dripping/splashing/sploshing and the sound of water running in the pipes has gotten me to where I'm just about ready to poke a stick in my ear so I won't have to hear it anymore. K said he'll be there to let them in, and I'm very thankful for that. (Now why is it I can ask him to do something like that, but would feel funny asking him to take care of J during my time with him if I wanted to go out?) I can't wait to have that fixed. I am going to scrub my shower and get it CLEAN. Hard to keep it clean when you can't ever get it dry. And now I can fix the caulking that's coming off in one corner.

I have to make cookies for J's Christmas party on Friday. Maybe I'll work on that tonight, if he goes to sleep at a decent hour. I've got to finish picking up as well, so the plumbers don't trip over toys as they try to get to the bathroom.

Feeling like the worst mother in the world

Bedtime continues to be hell. Last night was bad, tonight was worse still. Every night just makes me feel more and more like I'm no kind of mother if I can't figure out how to help my child get to sleep. Tonight I tried the "ghost spray" (some Glade air freshener I bought today) on a friend's suggestion - J wanted nothing to do with it (even though he seemed excited about the idea of spraying the ghosts away earlier in the day), and didn't even want to go into his room tonight. I tried asking him what he didn't like about his room, what happened to make him not like his room, everything I could think of. He just kept getting more and more worked up, howling that he wanted to sleep in my bed, wanted to go in my room, until he was nearly hysterical. Finally he came into my room with me, and he's so tired that he passed out on the floor of my room, still screaming. He's asleep there now - I just covered him up with blankets. I can't pick him up off the floor when he's sound asleep, and if I wake him up trying, who knows how long it will be before I get him back to sleep. But now he'll hardly go in his room at bedtime (he doesn't seem to have a problem with it the rest of the day), and he sees ghosts all around the house (my room, bathroom, kitchen, outside) and outside the house (we went to Little Gym today and he said there was a ghost on the truck next to ours in the parking lot).

I have NO idea how to proceed next, but I know something has got to give. I've made the room brighter, made the room darker, laid down with him (we used to do that and he'd go on to sleep in his bed), sat next to the bed and held his hand, had a warm bath before bedtime. I'm running out of ideas. I can't keep sleeping with him in my bed - I'm not rested, and the longer I go and the more tired I get, the shorter my temper gets (not good for me or him). He's not resting well, because he's tired during the day (but won't nap), and that's not good for him. And I can't let him sleep in the floor every night - I'm not sure he'd do it intentionally if I made a little pallet for him and asked him if he wanted to sleep there instead of actually *in* my bed, and I don't want him to just scream himself to sleep every night. And it just hurts me to see him so worked up, almost scared to go to sleep.

I know children are supposed to be more sensitive to paranormal phenomena than adults, and all of the going on about ghosts makes me wonder if this is more than just a phase and he just can't articulate what he sees, and it just happens to show up most in the form of not wanting to sleep in his own bed. I'm baffled, and very, very tired.

It seems to keep getting worse, and I have no idea what to do. I feel helpless and frustrated, and the fact that I'm tired and getting more tired by the day makes it worse. Bedtime shouldn't be this kind of a fight, and I don't know how to make it any better. It seems to me that this goes beyond just being afraid of missing something, just your run-of-the-mill fighting sleep, and it seems to me that it's more than him wanting to sleep with mama. I don't know what it is - bad dreams, paranormal phenomena, something I haven't even thought of - but there's some reason for this, and some reason it keeps getting worse. I just hope I can figure out what it is and address it before J and I both burst into flames.

And if this is all I seem to write about, it's consuming my life. I'm tired, yet nighttime doesn't necessarily mean rest. (Yes, I know, I should have/could have gone to bed when J passed out at 8:15 tonight, but I have things to do that didn't get done during the day because mama was J's favorite plaything. The dishes and the laundry won't do themselves.) The thought that, "Oh, crap, bedtime is coming up" lurks in the back of my mind all day. I'm not sure who dreads it more, me or J. And it SUCKS.

Too much fun for one person to handle

Daycare was closed today, since the local school district was closed, and I couldn't have gotten out of my driveway anyway - it was a solid sheet of ice. So I was home today, using a vacation day on a day when it seems to me the office should have just closed. But no one asked my opinion on that.

I called work this morning - we're supposed to check our manager's voice mail to see what's going on in the event of bad weather. Well, since the bus and trains were still running, my work opened right on time at 8 AM. Not even an hour or two late. We were encouraged to make every effort to be there by 8 AM. I left a message telling him I was using the vacation day I'd asked for yesterday, my driveway was covered in ice and daycare was closed, and that I'd be in tomorrow instead of taking the vacation day I'd planned. Does it not occur to them that not everyone can ride the bus or train? (Like I'd want to ride a DART bus on icy streets anyway - those drivers are maniacs on good days.) I'd have to drive 20 miles to get to where I could catch a bus or train. And my co-worker who lives down here made it to work. I'm like, oh great, thanks for making me look bad. Granted, he doesn't have a small child whose daycare is closed, but still - it makes me feel like they'll be looking at me, wondering why I couldn't make it in when he could. K told me not to worry about it, but I have to. I hate working at a job where I *do* have to worry about this. I think my old job had the right idea - if Dallas schools closed, they closed. The Dallas school district doesn't always close, but they'll close when the transit system may still be running - and if it's bad enough for them to close, then we shouldn't have to go to work. I'm sorry, I don't think there's anything about what I do that's so crucial that it can't wait a day because of icy roads.

And it sucks that this ended up being my day off. I love spending time with J, but I was really looking forward to a mental health day - I'd planned to take a vacation day tomorrow. Icebound with a three-year-old, after a fitful night's sleep because a small boy kept squirming and putting his feet in my face and trying to fall off the bed (yes, J slept in my bed again last night, and is there tonight - how in the world can I get him back in his bed?!?), cannot be considered restful under any circumstances. *SIGH*

And now I am frazzled. J was in full-throttle whiney three-year-old mode most of the evening. "I want, I don't want, I like, I don't like," and on and on. And that's always fun on a day where you can't get out because of the ice, and once the ice melts, it's just too damn cold. My damn shower is pouring like Niagara Falls (not just a drip, not just a leak, but a whole damn river), and I was going to fix it on my child-free day off tomorrow, which I'm now not getting since I had to take today off because of the stinkin' ice. The noise of the shower and of the constant running of water in the pipes is making me crazy, and thinking of the damage it's doing to my electric (since it's a hot water leak, the water heater is running all the time) and water bills is making me sick to my stomach. And since it's a hot water leak and it's freakin' cold in my bathroom, the steam is condensing on the shower ceiling and the bathroom windows. I wish I had the money to call a plumber, because I don't know when I'll have the time to do it myself. Even my next free weekend, which is only half free because of K's Christmas party (his work actually has a nice holiday get-together, so I told him J could come home Saturday afternoon so he could go to that - it's a nice restaurant and I told him he'd better bring me some goodies! LOL), I won't be home until 8:00 that Friday night (it's my late night at work, oh joy), and I don't want to start shutting off water and trying to dismantle my shower that late - what would I do if I really screwed it up around midnight and needed a plumber right then? I don't know what to do. I need a miracle like yesterday, for a Wells Fargo armored truck to accidentally lose a bag of money in front of my house or to win the lotto or something.

On the bright side (if you want to call it that), my driveway has cleared off nicely. So at least I shouldn't have to worry about missing another day of work tomorrow. But I get to go back to God knows what amount of crap that's accumulated in my e-mail, my inbox and my voice mail. It's amazing how much stuff there can be to deal with after just one day out of the office.

Ugh. Someone please tell me 2006 will be better, because 2005 has pretty much royally sucked ass.

Reprieve and winter weather

My dad isn't coming to visit this weekend after all - he called earlier this week and said he had a doctor's appointment on Friday, that it would be too much on him having that and trying to get ready and travel, too. So he and my stepmom will come visit after the holidays.

But we will be going home for Christmas. K and I talked, and his dad is having some health problems that prevent his parents from traveling. So we decided that, swingset or no, we'll drive to Louisiana for Christmas. Both of our dads are getting old, and we won't have them forever. So right now it's more important for J to get time with his grandfathers than to be here on Christmas morning. We're going together - yes, we get along well enough that we can make a 7-hour car trip together! LOL I'll see his family, although I doubt he'll want to spend any time with my dad when I go over there. And family is happy we're coming home, so I'm glad we're going, although I'm really not looking forward to the drive - it makes me tired just thinking about it.

And yes, we have winter weather in Texas!!! Yuck. Midlothian schools were closing at 12:30, and the winter storm watch/warning was all over the news this morning. Of course work didn't close. Oh, wait, we did get an e-mail saying that we could close early at 5:00. OK, technically that is early, since our hours are 8 AM to 7 PM. But 5:00 wouldn't have done me a lick of good. K said the afternoon news was saying that things had gotten a lot worse by late afternoon, and that Highway 67 (the way I come home) was one of the worst areas. There was a wreck at 67 and I-35 - right where I go home. Had I waited, that could have been me. So I told my manager around 11:00 this morning that I was taking half a vacation day today (I'd planned to use it on 12/19) because of the weather and because Midlothian schools were closing at 12:30. I also told him to just put me down for a vacation day tomorrow as well, that if daycare was open and I could make it in then I wouldn't use it. Work will be open tomorrow unless the mass transit system shuts down (and how often does that happen?), so since I can't get out of my driveway, I reckon I'll be using that vacation day. If I get in trouble, so be it - it's not like you can plan ahead for bad weather, and they don't pay me enough in one day to meet the deductible on my car insurance if I get in a wreck.

As it was, I nearly did. Things didn't seem too bad, and then it started sleeting when I got to Cedar Hill. The stuff was freezing on my windshield, even with the defroster on, which is never a good sign. And on one of the several overpasses I cross on my way home, my car hit a patch of ice and swerved back and forth several times before I got across the bridge and it righted itself. Let me tell you, my heart was in my throat, and I prayed and cried the rest of the way to daycare. I was so close (less than 10 miles at this point), and I would have been just sick had I gotten in a wreck then. And if I had, I don't know that K could have made it from his apartment because the roads were getting icy (he'd already made it home - he offered to pick J up, but I figured I'd be fine leaving at 1:00, I wasn't expecting any really bad stuff on the roads). I was oh, so very glad to pull into the parking lot at daycare, and beyond glad that I'd chosen to leave at 1:00 instead of waiting until 2:00 or 3:00, or God forbid, 5:00. At that point, the rest of my trip home was on surface roads - no more overpasses.

It was sleeting pretty hard when I got to daycare, so I went in and got Julian (poor baby, I woke him up from a nap! He was sound asleep - why can't he do that at home? :lol: ) and we headed for home. When stuff is freezing on the hood of your car that's been running for 45+ minutes, that's COLD. As soon as I was safely home, I called work and told them that anyone who lived south might want to leave right then, before it got any worse.

It's been sleeting off and on all night, with some snow mixed in, and the last time I checked, my thermometer said 22 degrees. The wind chill is in the single digits, and it's just f***in' nasty cold. I'm glad we don't get much of this in Texas - I couldn't stand it!!!

And now J has taken to sleeping in my bed. ??? Night before last, bedtime was a pitched battle, with him having a screaming fit about not getting in bed and finally telling me he was scared. It took over 30 minutes for me to finally rock him to sleep, and he was up three times during the night. I finally told him to get in my bed at 5:00 AM or so - I figured that at least that way I'd get to sleep until my alarm went off. Last night he wanted nothing to do with sleeping in his bed, so he slept with me. (I thought about picking him up and moving him to his bed after he was asleep, but I could have no more done that than I could run a four-minute mile - he's a big boy, and 43 pounds of dead-asleep weight is hard to lift!) This morning he said something about not being able to see the mirror (the one that came with his gigantic dresser, that we've never been able to get put on the dresser - it's been sitting at the end of the hall for ages), and I finally got it out of him that he didn't like the mirror. I asked him if he'd sleep in his bed if I moved the mirror, and he said yes. So I put it under my bed (no small task, as the mirror is almost as tall as I am and pretty darned heavy). But did he sleep in his bed tonight? Noooooooo. There's a ghost in his room. So he's snoring in my bed again. My mattress is a good three feet off the floor, and I'm scared to death that he'll fall out of the bed. AACK. No wonder my hair is turning gray.

Has anyone seen my attention span?

I seem to have lost it. I'm fidgety today - not in a bad way, just in an "I-don't-want-to-sit-still-and-concentrate-on-work" way. Only two hours left.

I'm taking Friday off. My leaky shower is driving me crazy, and I am DETERMINED to fix it. I'm about 99% sure that it's just a washer needing to be replaced - that's been done twice already. Ideally I may need new fixtures, but if I can replace the washers myself, perhaps I can buy myself another year or so to get to a better place financially to be able to afford a really complete fix. But I can't stand the dripping, dripping. Not to mention that it's the hot tap leaking, so now that the weather has cooled off, the warm water is condensing on the top of the shower and on the bathroom window. Yuck.

I'm sure I've got stuff to write about, it's just not coming to me at the moment. So I'd better get back to work - I'll write more later.

One miracle, coming up?

Pray, light candles, send good thoughts, whatever - I need 'em. The IRS is looking to fill two tax attorney positions here in Dallas. Starting salary is just under $63,000 a year, which is more than what I make now, and gee, a tax attorney position would actually *use* my legal education. I was thinking just today that I really need a miracle - maybe this is it. I've sent in my application online, and I'll fax the rest of my required documents tomorrow. The closing date is December 16, so I don't expect to hear anything before that. How cool would it be if I could start the new year with a groovy new job?!?!

Oh, enough already.

Oh, one thing I forgot to mention earlier. I've had to deal with the Cingular crap, right? Other things will go to hell in a handbasket while I get that squared away by paying the $267 a month for the next two months - not sure where it will come from, but it has to come from somewhere. Well, yesterday I got a bill from a collection agency saying they were trying to collect for Charter Communications (our cable company) to the tune of about $130.00. WTF?! I canceled the cable sometime in 2003. Have I heard anything from Charter about this alleged debt? Nope - I haven't heard from Charter since I turned in the cable box. I didn't include it in my bankruptcy because I didn't know it existed, but what the hell?! Isn't there some kind of statute of limitations on how long a debt can hang out there before you can try to collect? So the crap just keeps on rolling. Finances suck ass, I'm borrowing from Peter to pay Paul, and I don't know how long I can keep on doing it or when it will get better (or when these freakin' ancient history debts will stop being dug up). I need a miracle - to win the lotto, to have a fabulous job fall unexpectedly into my lap, to inherit from a long-lost rich relative, something. I can't keep on functioning like this.

Weirdness abounds

N (K's birth mom) called me on my cell at 2:45 this morning, asking if I'd just called. Of course I said no, I was sleeping. So it was a short call and I went back to sleep. She called me this morning and left a message asking me to call so she could explain about that call. So I called her back. I'd left her a voice mail last night around 6:00, and I figured the message had just popped up really late, and that's what she got to make her think I'd called.

But no, it's freaky. It wasn't just a message showing up - N said they'd gotten the voice mail yesterday, way before this happened. N's phone rang four separate times between 1:30 and 2:00. J (her husband) answered and someone actually said "This is Lisa", and that everything was fine when J asked if things were OK. Then the phone rang again and no one would say anything. So it wasn't just a message popping up. I can see where they'd get worried in that situation, and would call to check. J read the number off, and it showed up four separate times. My phone
doesn't show that I've called N's cell other than last night on my way home and then this morning after she'd left me a message to call her - no dialed calls in the middle of the night, so it's not even like I was dialing in my sleep. No calls in the middle of the night show up on my cell phone call records. That's just too weird, especially given that J (my J) sees ghosts in every corner these days. Teddy (my birth brother, who died in a car accident in 1998, before I met my birth family and who we feel sure comes by to visit often) needs to stop playing with my phone. Time to establish ground rules - no waking the boy up, and no playing with the electronics in the middle of the night. Oy vey.