This is another thing I'm going to have to adjust to. Used to be, K and I would talk or e-mail a lot during the day, just to say hi, send goofy websites, see what was going on. Lately that has seriously decreased, and I find that I miss that. But that relates to what I was thinking earlier, that as things between us change, the ways we communicate and how much we communicate will change as well. And I guess it's to be expected that we won't talk regularly every day like we have in the past. Does this cut me to the bone, make me want to lay down on the floor and have screaming, howling fits? Well, no. Does it make me feel a bit sad and wistful? Well, yes. No matter what may have happened in the past that's made me want to swear and kick things and jump up and down, K and I are, underneath it all, still friends. I don't think we'll ever find ourselves in a position where we're calling each other nasty names and tossing pointy objects at each other and being ugly just for the sake of being ugly - I certainly hope not. But I'm really coming to realize now that, while we'll always have a friendship, we won't always be each other's best friend. And it makes me a little wistful. I mean, I don't have ten years of history with anyone else at this point, it's a unique thing, and the loss of that "best friend" status is something I'll feel, no matter who I may end up with, no matter how special someone else may become to me in the future. I think that just goes with the territory, though, I don't think there's any way around it.
Does this mean I think we should try to patch things up? No. The topic of separation, or the possibility of it, first came up in February 2003. If, in the nearly two years that has passed since then, neither of us has stopped and said, "wait a minute, I've changed my mind, let's work on us", I don't think it's going to happen. After all, it's not like we both haven't had plenty of time to think about that option. Personally, I really believe each of us will be happy with a different kind of person than what the other has become. For example, I think K might do better with someone who brings out more of a protective instinct in him. I tend not to do that - I'm like a little bulldozer, I keep on keeping on, even when perhaps I *should* have sense enough to stop, to ask for help, to hand the reins off to someone else. If he finds someone who isn't quite so stubbornly independent as I am, he has the capacity to be quite protective and quite considerate of that person. For me, I think I might be better off with someone who can take over, who can step in and say, "hey, let me do that" when I don't have sense enough (or am just too hard-headed) to let go or to ask for help. Not someone who's a control freak and who wants to run the whole dog and pony show, but someone who can take over and not be patronizing or condescending about it. A friend once told me that he broke up with his ex because she was so independent, she didn't make him feel like she needed him. Maybe that's a big part of our issues, that K doesn't feel like I need him - maybe he would be happier with someone who does make him feel that way, and I don't know if I could do that, simply because I do have that tendency to take it all on myself.
So what does that leave me looking for? I guess I think I might be better with someone who doesn't need me to make him feel needed, who knows how I feel and who can be in charge when it's necessary to do so. Does that even make sense? Maybe I'm not doing a very good job putting it into words. Maybe I'm looking for someone that doesn't even exist. I don't know.
One thing I do know - there are no "perfect" men. I'm not deceiving myself into thinking that if I find someone else, I'll find the "perfect" man who's exactly what I'm looking for, who will never upset me, who will always do everything right. All men (like all women) have their flaws and quirks and oddities. It's just a question of deciding which flaws we can live with and which ones are deal-breakers.