Friday, November 12, 2004

Logic vs. emotion

I am a Gemini, and logical thinking (and a way with words) is supposed to be one of the hallmarks of my sign. In my case, the description fits. K used to give me grief about being so logical and so practical, and I guess I was (still am, too - that hasn't gone away!). He'd tell me I was just sucking the fun right out of things because I was so sensible about everything. My responses to that: 1) well, someone had to do it, and 2) when the emotional side isn't nurtured in some fashion, it's going to go into hibernation. But I've discovered that I *do* have emotions after all. They're still hiding just a bit, but they're there. Good news, there's hope for me to join the land of the living yet!

What gets to me most: music. Music makes me feel more than just about anything on the planet, and I play music that fits my mood at any given time. This evening, it was Evanescence, played very loudly. Seemed to go with the mood. There's no particular genre that works for me more than any other - it can be anything, pop, opera, metal, country, anything that makes me feel, that makes my toes curl with the emotion it evokes. Other than music, what gets to me? Surprises - I love surprises, big ones, little ones, funky ones, witty ones. I can't even count how many times K would go somewhere and I'd jokingly ask him to bring me back a surprise, only to have him say that he didn't know what I'd like. To me, that said one of two things: he hadn't been paying attention during our marriage, or he just didn't want to put forth the effort. What else? Someone doing something for me without waiting for me to ask, just thinking enough of me to think I might appreciate the help. Random little notes in unexpected places. Goofy e-mails or phone messages. Flowers for no reason. One exquisite piece of chocolate on my pillow. Clean sheets that I didn't have to wash. Thirty minutes of uninterrupted time for a bubble bath once in a while. Not a lot of big stuff, just little things that would let me know someone was thinking about me, other than because he wanted/needed me to do something for him.

Getting away from my original topic, but a friend and I were discussing the concept of forgiveness in relationships a while back. He was thinking about getting back together with his ex, and he said they had some baggage from the past breakup. He asked me if he really loved her, shouldn't he be able to let it go and not worry about keeping score of who'd done what for whom. I told him that ideally, that would be the case, that love wouldn't worry about who did more for whom. But we're all human, and it's human nature, when you feel like you're doing all the giving and it isn't reciprocated, to start keeping score - in that situation, it's pretty hard not to, and when you do that, you stop wanting to give anymore until you feel like the courtesy is being returned. I think that's where I got to with K - felt like I was giving and giving and trying and trying, and he didn't return the favor. Now I think my giving tree is all give out, and there's nothing left to give. I told my friend, though, that it didn't have to be that way, that if you're in a good relationship, where both parties are giving, then doing for someone you love is as natural as breathing, it's something you just want to do (unless you're a completely selfish git, but that's a whole other category!).

I'm rambling, it's late, I think I should sleep - the hot chocolate with a shot of Frangelico has made me a bit fuzzy....

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