Just for my own personal information, I called the district clerk's office to see what court costs are for a divorce. Court costs and filing fees are $161.00, payable with cash or money order unless a law firm is paying (they can use a check). Well. So if it's all uncontested, no attorneys involved, that's what it costs to end a marriage, at least from a legal perspective. Doesn't seem like much, does it?
And speaking of, Divorce Court is on TV right now. You know, I'm really not missing much by not seeing daytime TV every day....
So I've been thinking some more (always a dangerous proposition). If K were to say, hey, I want to work on us (and I don't think he would, we've had that conversation before), am I obligated to try? Is that what would be best for J, us trying to fix things? I'm sure the conventional wisdom would say yes, it's best for a child to be in the home with both parents. But is it best for J for us to try - for me to try - when deep down I feel like I'll just be waiting for the same shoe to drop months or years down the road and put us right back in the middle of a similar situation? Is that "best" for J? For me? For K? Or is it better for all of us to just end it now and move on on good terms? I don't know. I second-guess myself daily as to what's best for J, and I worry about that like crazy. An online friend of mine said that she eventually ended up divorcing her first husband because she was the only one trying to save the marriage, and she couldn't do it alone. Would it be fair to K if he did want to try to have him jump through hoops if my heart wasn't really in it? I have a real-life friend who's in that dilemma - her husband moved out, has moved back in with the intent to work on things - she's going along because she thinks it might be best for their child, but her heart isn't in it. From what she's told me, that sounds like a real bad place to be.
And then I think, is this just hurt feelings on my part? Are my feelings just hurt that he paid more attention to some other woman than me? If I'm 100% honest, well, sure, my feelings were hurt at the time, and yes, I still feel some hurt over it. But is that the basis for me wanting out of my marriage? I don't think so. I don't think I'm contemplating ending it in a fit of pique, in a snit because of something K did. I've had a long time to think about all of this, and I don't think that's all it is, me being upset and saying, "I'll just take my toys and go home." I really do think K and I bring out the less-than-stellar qualities in each other as spouses, and I think we'd be happier with other people. I think if we didn't take a chance, if we stayed in our marriage, that some time down the road we'd both regret not having taken the chance. And what if we did stay together while J is young, only to split up when he's older and have him find out we stayed together for him? Is that better for him, easier for him to deal with, finding out that mama and daddy didn't really love each other but endured for him than growing up with the idea that mama and daddy love him but are better off not being married? There is no good answer to that question, but it seems to me like the former would be worse than the latter.
I feel like I'm talking in circles here, so I think I'll stop. I'm just ready to *go* some direction, I'm tired of feeling like I'm drifting. I know it's not just me, I know K feels the same way about being in limbo. But I don't feel his feelings (if that makes sense), I only know they exist because he tells me they do - my feelings are the only ones I can *feel*, and my feelings are about to drive me bonkers.
And I look at all this, think about my situation, and wonder - if I meet someone down the road, someone I want to be serious about, will he ever question my loyalty, my ability to commit to a relationship? I sure hope not. If someone is loyal to me, I will be loyal to them, maybe even past the point where it's prudent to do so. If someone makes a commitment to me and I make one to them, I will honor that commitment. I sure hope no one would ever question that. That would make me very, very sad indeed.