Sunday, December 12, 2004

I hate the holidays...

Or at least all the ads that show smiley, happy couples (mmm, Valentine's Day should be a real treat, huh?). I just saw a commercial for a local jewelry store, and it made me want to throw a brick at the TV. Not that I care about getting jewelry or anything expensive - I'm not much of a jewelry person, just my watch and earrings, and the occasional necklace or bracelet. Hell, I don't even care about gifts so much. No, what got me is that it's been so long since I've felt appreciated, cherished, loved. Sure, J appreciates me, but it's in his two-year-old self-centered way - mama takes care of me and gives me what I need, therefore I love her.

I miss feeling like I matter to someone - not "matter" as in hey, you're my friend, I like you. I miss feeling like I'm the only woman in the world as far as someone is concerned. I miss feeling special to someone, like someone's world gets brighter just because I walk into the room, like someone's heart beats a little faster just to see me, like someone would want to give me a hug and kiss just because he loves me so much. And sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel that way again, if anyone will ever feel that way about me again.

Even before all this separation stuff came up, I didn't feel special to K. He'd gotten to be friends with JG and was investing so much time and effort into his friendship with her that I felt completely unimportant. She'd call, he'd jump, and that left me feeling like I meant very little to him. Sometimes I think that if, when he'd realized how he was starting to feel about her, if he'd stepped back and said "no, I won't go there, I want to work on my marriage," I'd have done it. If he'd walked away from his friendship with her and tried to mend things between us, I'd have tried anything, I think. But he didn't, and I eventually stopped allowing his feelings for her to have the power to hurt me anymore. And at this point, even if he were to say tomorrow, "I've been so wrong, I'm sorry, I want to fix our marriage," I don't think it would change how I feel now. That friendship with JG that, at least on his side (and I think on hers, too, even though she'd probably deny it until she turned blue), became something more did enough damage that I don't think I ever could try to repair it. Even if he suddenly turned into the most attentive, most solicitous, most considerate man around, I'm afraid I'd be suspicious of his motives - I'd wonder, is it me he really wants, or is it just the security of a marriage? (This is the same reason I don't think there'll ever be any "sex with the ex" - I'd feel like it was more just a warm and willing body he was interested in, and not necessarily *me*, the person, and then I'd just feel rotten about myself.) And that's a sad, terrible thing to think. It hurts me to feel that way about K, because when we met, I thought he was one of the most considerate men I'd ever known, and now it comes down to the fact that I feel he wasn't considerate enough of me. I can't spend the rest of my life wondering if or when the same scenario will play out again. I deserve to find someone who does think I'm the most special woman in the world and is willing to give up a friendship if it's coming between the two of us.

But right now it doesn't feel like I'll ever get there. What if I get out of my marriage and never find anyone else? What if I die old and alone and bitter? Blech. I'm pitiful. Maybe I should just go to bed and stop sitting here feeling sorry for myself and making up worst-case scenarios. Yeah, it's 11:45, I should definitely go to bed.

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