And I'm feeling just about like I've been beaten with sticks. I don't know if it's the post-holiday letdown, an emotional hangover from my cleaning spree yesterday, being back at work, or all of the above. I'm trying to write in little snippets at work while doing other things, so hopefully it will come out in a relatively coherent fashion. I can't write at home until I figure out what's up with the phone - the phones seem to have died, I still get my call notes when I call my home number on my cell phone, but I can't get a dial tone to get on the Internet. ???? So I'm not sure if it's the phones or the line or what. At any rate, no Internet at home until that's cleared up. So I'll write as much as I can here.
Christmas was fun. K's parents came. J adores them, especially his PaPa. And he wouldn't pet their dachshund, but he sure did get excited to see her. Every time he saw her, he'd say, "Look at Annie!" and just laugh and laugh. And the first thing he said when he woke up yesterday morning (after family had gone home) was, "PaPa Annie doing?" (as in, what are PaPa and Annie doing) He was oversugared, overstimulated, and too wound up for words most of the weekend. He fought naptime and bedtime like a little maniac, that's for sure.
He did like his presents, though! He got trucks galore, including two big Tonka trucks that light up and talk and all that good stuff. I'd wondered if the lights and sound would freak him out, but he really liked the trucks. His favorite, though, was his Thomas the Tank Engine playset and the engines that went along with it (Thomas, Percy and James). He wanted to take his playset to bed with him last night, and was most disturbed when I told him it wasn't a bedtime toy! LOL I'm glad he's enjoying it so much.
Yesterday K and I cleaned out the closet in J's room. (Getting ready for his big boy bed, coming in January - he needs a big boy closet to go with it, not one filled with mama's old crap! LOL) There was a big box marked "wedding gifts", and we went through that and divided it up, stuff for me, stuff for him, and stuff to take to the resale shop. I know it's very doubtful that he and I will be together for the long term, and I know that that's probably the best thing for us, but still - it was draining, going through things meant for a shared life and splitting them up. (And this was stuff that's been in a box for 10 years - I reckon it will be that much harder when it comes time to finally divvy up the things we actually lived with.) And in the course of sorting out pictures, I came across some taken at my mother's funeral in 1995. Those really got to me, and while J was napping, I sat there and cried. I miss my mother.
In a few days it will be the tenth anniversary of my marriage. In a few days after that, it will be the tenth anniversary of my mother's death. Sad to think that what began so soon before her passing is now, ten years later, so close to ending itself. I really wish she were here so I could talk to her. I'd love to know why she and my father stayed together for 43 years, until she died, when even as a child I could see that they weren't really happy. I have my theories, but I wish I could hear it from her. I'd love to know if she thought it was more important for me to do what makes me happy, or to do what's best for Julian, or to know if she thinks those could be one and the same thing. I miss her.
And along the lines of thinking about relationship things, I've started reading a book called Second Loves: Women With Two Lives, by Sonya Friedman. It's about women who are married and who have long-term affairs. I'd never do something like that - most days I barely have the energy to live my own life, much less have some secret life that my husband knew nothing about. But reading the reasons why these women chose that kind of life, how they saw their marriages, what they get out of these long-term relationships has given me a lot to think about. It's given me a lot to think about as far as what I haven't gotten out of my marriage, why I'm looking to get out of it. It's given me a lot to think about as far as what I'd seriously want to look for in another long-term relationship when I get to the point where I'm looking for one. I'm sure I'll have more thoughts on the topic later, when I've got more time to write. I just wanted to mention this, and suffice it to say I think so much, it's a wonder my brain doesn't leak out my ears.
Is the work day over yet?!?!
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