I felt like the world's worst mom last night. J was going for a cup on the nightstand, lost his balance somehow, I didn't catch him in time, and he bonked his head square on the corner of the nightstand. I cried, he cried, we all had a good howling fit. Thirty seconds later, he was fine; two hours later, I was still feeling unbelievably guilty. I think the guilt and worry genes don't really kick in until you become a mother. (No slight intended to the dads who might be reading, but I think maternal guilt is really a very specialized art form! LOL) He was fine - this morning he didn't even have a bump on his head, just a little bruise and a scratch. Still, I think he should get a helmet for Christmas....
Had an appointment with my counselor today, and then had a talk with K. We discussed going ahead and filing. His first reaction was along the lines of, that's a worst-case scenario, and we talked about it and I ended up feeling very distressed. I was thinking, we've stepped into the tar baby and we'll never get out, we'll be in this separation limbo forever. We talked more this evening, though. (I'm paraphrasing and shortening quite a lot here, but you'll get the gist.) He'd asked me what was the point in filing now, and when we talked this afternoon, I told him I knew filing now wouldn't solve the financial issues that we're working on. He said, no, but it would give us closure from an emotional perspective. My point exactly. If the emotional attachment to the marriage is no longer there, if we still care about each other but not in a spousely kind of way, why prolong the spiritual and legal ties? What function would that serve? So I think it was a good conversation. He said maybe it was just the shock of actually hearing the idea of filing sooner rather than later voiced that threw him earlier. I think we both felt better after talking, and it's kind of a relief, but kind of sad, too, that the marriage may be over sooner than we thought. Of course, it will probably take a little while after filing to get a court date and have everything finalized, but still.
I asked my counselor about the thought of what's better for J, us trying to work on the marriage if at least one of us doesn't have our heart in it, likely ending up in the same position months or years down the road, with J then being old enough to *really* be aware of what's going on (and to be getting a skewed perspective on marital relationships in the process), or us breaking it off now, staying involved in J's life, letting him know we love him, and taking a chance on being really happy, even if it's not with each other. She told me that I'd answered my own question.
And K and I talked, too, about why we got married. Emotionally, I think we were both pretty immature at the time, with not a whole lot in the way of dating/relationship experience. We were in a small town, in a church community where we were just about the only single people around, and everyone just "expected" that we'd get together and settle down - we were both done with college, ready to start a career, and it would just be natural for the two of us to hook up and get married. Not that we didn't love each other as we understood love at the time - we did, I don't think we'd have gotten married otherwise. I think it's more that we've both grown and changed, and thought more about what we want from a spouse or significant other, and we've realized that we aren't what we were when we married and now we aren't what the other needs. It's sad, yes, and it's not the path anyone would pick for themselves going into a marriage. But it's not the end of the world, and it doesn't make either of us bad people for wanting out.
So it's been an interesting day. Kind of weird to think I could be divorced in, oh, three months or so. Yikes. December 31 would be our 10th anniversary - we debated whether we should buy each other presents. LOL We finally settled on splitting the cost of a really good bottle of champagne and using that champagne to give 2004 the big "fuck you" (it's been a rotten year!), ring in what will hopefully be a much improved year in 2005, and celebrate moving on, and whatever other odd things we can throw into the toast. LOL
And on top of all this conversation, I was trying to deal with work. I'm sorry, but it's a little difficult for me to really feel sympathetic for a client wondering why his account has only grown by $60,000 in the last year and a half when I'm just hoping to stay in the black from one payday to the next. (By the way, I did NOT overdraw my checking account this time - got paid today, I was still on the positive side! Woo hoo!!!! It's not complete financial stability, but it's a step in the right direction.) I'm not sure I'm people-oriented enough to really do well at this job. It's almost like you have to have more of a call center and sales mentality, and I've always avoided those things like the plague because I know I'm not temperamentally suited for it. Maybe I can find other career opportunities here, maybe I can start my own business (law practice or otherwise), maybe I can win the lotto, but I don't think I'll have this particular position forever.
Yesterday I had no voice at all. Today I still sound rather like a man, but at least sound comes out when I talk. Bourbon, honey and lemon - works every time. :-)
Oh, we had our team Christmas party yesterday evening. It was fun. You get a whole new perspective on your boss after you've seen him take a few jello shots. That's one of the best things about my job, the people I work with. They're great, and I'm very thankful for them! Too bad the job itself makes me so nuts.