All done!

I'm finished with my presentation. It went OK, I think. I probably talked a bit too fast, I always do. But I hit the high points I needed to hit, had a question I could actually answer, and I don't think I made a complete boob of myself. They're hoping to fill the position by the end of June, and I know just about everyone involved in the decision process is getting ready for and attending a managers' meeting the rest of this week. So I don't expect to hear anything until next week at the earliest. We'll see what happens!

Now I'm off to grab some lunch before I have to leave to fetch the monkey boy for a fun doctor visit. More later!

Well, doesn't this sound like fun?!

Today's online fortune cookie:

"The fun side of a relationship begins to unfold."

Well! Bring it on, I say - time for some fun. :) (And boy, if you add "in bed" to this one, it really could get interesting! LOLOLOLOL)

Only about 15 minutes until my presentation. Aack. I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be. Will update after I'm done....

1 1/2 hours and counting...

until the last part of my interview for the position here where I work. I just want it to be over with. The worst that can happen is that I embarrass myself, and I've done that plenty of times and survived. A friend of mine is also applying for it, so we've talked a bit - we have some of the same questions regarding the process, and we've decided that if we both do the same things, then we'll be OK! LOL She's a good friend, and it's good that we can talk about it. And if she were to get it instead of me, I'd be glad for her. But right now, I just wish it was 11:30 so I could be finished. Please tell me I can talk for 10-15 minutes and not make a complete ass of myself....

J woke up hollering this morning. When I went to get him out of bed, I told him it was time to get ready for school. He looked at me and cried, "No, it's not time to go to school, school is closed!" Of course, once I got him dressed and out the door, he was quite excited at the prospect of school - "I'm going to watch a movie, it might be Wilbur (from Charlotte's Web) - let's go find out!" LOL And he ran off with barely a backward glance, so it ended up being fine. He's pretty congested, so I'm going to see if I can get him in to see his doctor today. If it disrupts his sleep, that's bad enough to warrant a trip to the doctor's office.

OK, just called - J's doc can see him at 2:30. Hopefully she can help him feel better. Bless his heart, he's just like me - once he snots up, no over-the-counter meds will touch it.

I'd better get to work - lots to do, and I still need/want to go over my presentation stuff. AACK.

The freaks come out at night

I must put out some kind of "weirdos, please write to me" vibe. Just this weekend, I've gotten 1) a message from a guy in Connecticut who said he's never been to Texas but would love to come when I invite him (hmm, just a bit presumptuous, aren't we?), 2) not one but two "collect calls" on one board (where the sender doesn't pay for the message, but the receiver does, if they accept), from the same guy (two is pushy, and if I'm not interesting enough for you to spend your nickel on, well, then, I'm not interesting enough), 3) a message from a guy who said, "Call me when you've been single for two years - you wouldn't want to make the same mistake again, would you?" (And what mistake would that be?), and 4) a message from a guy in Canada, with just a subject line - all it said was, "Angels have wings - love and light." ???? I keep hearing that Whodini song in my head, "The freaks come out at night." They certainly do, at least on the meet-and-greet sites!

The weekend really went pretty well, as far as I'm concerned. Sure, J was ready to come home today, but he didn't have the flaming meltdowns over me not being there that I'd feared. And K might have called a couple of times, but he never asked for help or asked to bring Julian home early. I know K will feel a lot better, though, when he can buy a little house and J can have his own room. But it went well, all told, and as we continue to stick to a more regular routine, it will get better, I think.

Today we all went out to lunch for Father's Day - Pappadeaux, yummy! (Yes, my soon-to-be-ex and I still get along well enough that we can sit at a table and eat a meal without stabbing each other with the silverware. I, for one, am glad of it.) J was just as good as he could be - he didn't even need a booster chair or high chair, just sat in a regular chair like the big boy he is. :) I had to laugh when I saw another little boy pretty close to J's age in the floor, trying to stand on his head. Of course his mother grabbed him up and put him in her lap, and he just hollered and threw a fit. At the time, J had a fork and was trying to scoop pieces of ice out of K's glass - he'd get one out, say "that's too big!" (meaning it was too big for him to put in his mouth - I told him we don't eat big pieces of ice) and put it back. A bit messy, sure, but I figured it was way better than the kid trying to do gymnastics in the floor. LOL

And tonight wasn't bad. J was tired. I had the light out just before 9:00. He asked for tea once - got some tea, his eyes were rolling back in his head. Then he was crying - he wanted me to wipe his nose and asked for tea again. I kissed him and told him to lay down, I'd be right back. By the time I got the Crystal Light mixed up and came back to his room, he was snoring. :) Sweet boy, he's had a big weekend!

T called today. :) He apologized for having been out of pocket for a bit. He was on his way to work, so we didn't get to talk too long, maybe about 10 minutes. He had his boys this weekend, so they got to do some fun things. He said he knows I have J next weekend, but maybe we can plan to go out for a belated birthday dinner. I'm glad he called. :)

I have my presentation tomorrow. Yikes. I'm just a little bit nervous. Hopefully it will go OK, and hopefully the 10-15 minutes I'm supposed to talk will pass mercifully quickly. If the outside job would be offered to me later this year, then I don't want to be offered this internal job. But I still don't want to make a total ass out of myself. Better that the higher-ups don't know my name than that they know me as "that girl who sounded like an absolute idiot in her interview." 11:00, wish me luck! :)

So far, so good

Apparently J's weekend with K is going fairly well. I hope K can get out with J, even if it's just going out on the little porch to play instead of staying inside. If they try to stay inside all weekend, they'll both be pretty miserable. And I know he'll get more used to packing J up by himself and going somewhere, I just hate to think of them spending all day in the apartment. K said he didn't get much sleep last night, he kept waking up to check on J. I think he'll be very, very glad when he can get a little house and J can have his own room! J fell off his little bed (an Aero bed on the floor), but it must not have bothered him - K said he thinks J slept most of the night in the floor, snoring away. Anyway, I'm glad it's going OK. I just hope they'll be able to get out and about a tiny bit, it will do them both good.

I'm doing OK on my own. I cleaned up a bit last night, goofed on the computer, played the piano as loudly as I wanted to, and wasn't nearly as depressed about being by myself as I expected. I did turn off the baby monitor - it tends to sound like he's in his room even when he isn't, and I didn't see any need for that. But today I'm going shopping with one girlfriend (who should be here just any minute), and tonight I'm going out to dinner with another girlfriend, and in the in-between times, I'm going to work on my presentation for Monday.

And J will be home tomorrow! :)

The neverending day....

The morning flew by. Got here at 10, we left for lunch around 11:15. But the afternoon has d-r-a-g-g-e-d on, and I'm still here for another 2 hours. Even a peppermint mocha with an extra shot of espresso isn't helping, I'm still dragging ass. You know, on my big Friday night to myself, I may be in bed asleep by 9:00! LOL I just hope phone time is quiet. I am *not* in a real good frame of mind for having to be polite and helpful to people. I'd most like to take a nap.

Just a quick note

Today is my late day at work, so I don't have to be in until 10:00. Thought I'd dash off a quick note here before I headed out for a stop at Starbucks and hopefully a better-than-usual drive to the office.

K and I are working toward a more regular alternating-weekend schedule with J. That will be off a bit because of the 4th of July holiday, when family will probably be here - we'll have to adjust a bit around that - but we're shooting for J spending one weekend with me, the next with K. Last night I was packing up some of J's things to take to his dad's house, and I thought, "You know, this sucks ass." Not that K and I are splitting up - OK, there's some wistfulness over that, but I think I've had plenty of time to grieve over the end of my marriage, and I think it's best for us. No, what sucks ass is time away from my baby boy. Yes, I know the break will do me good, yes, I know I *need* some time to myself occasionally, and yes, I know it will make me appreciate J that much more when he's back home. I just hate sending him away - even though it's to go spend time with his dad, even though it's only just for a couple of days. I'm sure there will be times when he's a teenager and just driving me up the wall that I'll gladly send him to see his father, and tell him to stay longer than two days, but right now it's hard. Blech.

Weekend plans include: shopping with one of my girlfriends on Saturday morning, dinner with another of my girlfriends on Saturday evening, and hopefully lots of very productive work on my presentation for Monday. I've also got National Treasure sitting here on DVD - I might watch it tonight. Wow, an actual movie for me on my TV, and something that's not animated - what a concept! LOL

So anyway, if I get on here and whine and cry and act all pitiful this weekend, just know that I'm missing my baby boy. But I know the time will fly by, and he'll be back home before I know it. :)

I'm up...

11:00 Monday. That's when I give my presentation. YIKES. It's only got to be about 10-15 minutes - please tell me I can do this!!!!

YOIKS!!!!!

Just found out, it looks like I'll make it to the third phase of the interview for the position here at work. I was just told to be ready to do a presentation early next week. EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Guess I know how I'll be spending my weekend!

A good day so far!

It's been a decent day so far.

I had my quarterly review with my manager (which I forgot about until I got to work this morning). It went OK - I don't suck. :) I'm not the best on the team, but I don't suck. No idea if I'll get a raise or not, it wasn't mentioned. I'm not expecting one, so if I do get one, it will just be a pleasant surprise.

I talked to a client who was just glowing in his praise of the work I've done with the family since his aunt passed away. He said they really appreciated the help, and that I've made a hard time easier for them. Wow. Every once in a while, maybe I really do make a difference with what I do here. You hear the complainers and whiners so often, it's really a refreshing change to hear someone telling you what a good job you've done for them. :)

And today was ice cream day! One of the groups that works here in this building was having an ice cream sale - Ben & Jerry's for $2, with the proceeds going to benefit cystic fibrosis. Now how could I pass up something called Chocolate Therapy, and for only $2? And a day with chocolate ice cream just can't be bad.

If I could only figure out some way to get my son to sleep before 9:30, the day would be darned near perfect. I've just about given up on that, though. I don't think he needs a ton of sleep, and it's pretty pointless to try to force him to sleep earlier than he's inclined to go to sleep on his own. That just results in frustration for me and for him.

And he's taken to having the old rotary phone in the bed with him when he's settling down. Here's an example of the conversations he has as he's lying in bed:

"Hello, Charlie Brown? This is J---. Do you want to talk to mama? OK, bye."

And another:

"Hello, Annie-dog. You say woof woof. Bye!"

He just cracks me up. :)

Walking a fine line

I'm trying to balance being perceived as pushy vs. the need to stand up for myself/to know what's going on. I think I've mentioned T before. We talked quite a lot by e-mail, went to lunch, and then went out a couple of weeks ago. I thought we were getting along quite well. But since the evening out, it seems that I haven't heard from him as much. My logical, practical side thinks that this could be for any number of reasons, all of which have nothing to do with me. I know he's got things going on in his life, any one of which might make a person feel the need to keep his own counsel for a bit, and it's not like we're serious or at a point where either of us should expect any particular level of communication. I try to remind myself of these things. But when I look back at it, it feels like before the date, more of an effort was made to keep in touch, and that's really tapered off recently. There again, there could be a perfectly logical explanation having nothing to do with how interested T may or may not be in me. But the little part of the old me that's left, the insecure, uncertain, shy part that fully expects that no guy will ever really be interested in her and fully expects things to crap out just when they seem to be going well, is rearing her little whiny head. That little remnant of the old me is just convinced that T has lost interest, flaked out on me like a couple of guys have done (most recently, C) and just buggered off. He doesn't strike me as the kind of person who'd just disappear without so much as a fare-thee-well, which makes me think he's just got things going on that take priority. But still - that little nervous, insecure voice is there, and no amount of chocolate seems to shut her up completely. I haven't heard from him since Saturday. Not a lot of time, really, in the grand scheme of things, and there have been times in the past that a few days have lapsed between e-mails. This just feels different, though, and although I'm trying not to let it get to me, it's challenging. I've sent a couple of casual e-mails, and now I'm just going to keep quiet. But I'm contemplating, if I haven't heard anything by Saturday (which would make it a week since I'd last heard anything), sending an e-mail expressing a bit of what I've written here. I just wonder, though - will that come off as too pushy, or as too clingy/whiny/needy? Am I better off just leaving well enough alone at this point and waiting for him to decide he wants to get in touch with me, and not fretting myself about it if he never does? I don't know. This is the part of dating that sucks rocks, and when you've been married for ten years, you tend to forget exactly what it's like. Blech.

I've got work to do - more later!

Ancient Chinese wisdom

Today's online fortune cookie:

"To be loved, be lovable."

Hmm. Wouldn't it be nice if it gave a bit more direction as to how exactly to be lovable?

How can your day be bad...

when you're listening to Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass? Stop it. Stop laughing RIGHT NOW. I love this album. My parents had it when I was growing up (how my uber-conservative, so-tight-they-squeaked-when-they-walked parents came to own an album whose cover showed a woman clad in whipped cream and nothing more is beyond me, but they did), and I remember listening to it as a child. I found it on eBay for about a buck, and I just couldn't resist. Ah, fond memories of childhood.

Today is better than yesterday so far. At least I woke up before 6:47! And I must be happy. One of my co-workers told me today that it was good to see me happy, he hadn't seen me this happy in a long time. Has my disquiet been that easy to see, that people really notice when I'm having a good day?! That's kind of sad. Apparently I'm pretty transparent. But hey, it's a good day, so I'll just enjoy it.

Back to work, much to do!

Word on the first interview...

The internal one, where I currently am. I've apparently made it past the first cut, as I received a packet of information for preparation of an action plan and a letter to a client in response to a complaint. I can't decide to be glad if I've made the first cut or nervous about having to do a presentation if I make it past the second cut! LOL Anyway, I've got this to work on now, and the time frame is pretty short - gotta have it all finished by Wednesday. We'll see where it goes from here!

Feeling like I don't belong

I went to church yesterday for the first time in a while. J warmed up to it after some initial reluctance - he got to play with Scoop (one of the Bob the Builder toys), so he was happy. LOL But I was sitting there in church, and while I enjoyed the sermon, I just didn't feel very connected to the rest of the service. Normally I'm very much into the music in a service, but yesterday none of it spoke to me at all. As I sat there with other people who were singing the songs and speaking the responsive readings, I suddenly felt very hypocritical. I thought, I'm not even sure what I believe anymore, what am I doing here with people who obviously do believe? I grew up in a conservative church, with the belief (if you can call it that - not sure now how much was true belief and how much was just agreeing with people who told me it was what I should believe) that God knew everything about me and took a personal interest in my life, and that God would carry me through hard times. I'm not sure I believe that so much anymore, and I felt out of place sitting in a church full of people with whom I wasn't sure I had much in common in terms of faith.

Used to be, back when I was repressed, shy little Lisa, I could easily have faith in things. It was so easy to say, "God will take care of me" and believe it. Now that I'm no longer that meek, mousy little person, I find it much harder to say that. I find that I rely much more on myself to carry myself through situations and to find ways out of messes. I think God encourages questioning and independent thought, but I find it odd that in my case, the very act of questioning and independent thought is taking me farther from God, not bringing me closer. Will I ever return to my childhood faith? Doubtful. I think I've grown and changed and thought too much to ever do the blind obedience thing now. (And I'm not sure blind obedience is what God would want, anyway - wouldn't He prefer that I reach my beliefs through my own personal experiences rather than just accept what someone says I "should" believe and say that I believe that, too? And is that acceptance even belief?) Will I eventually come around to a deeper, stronger faith? Possibly. I guess only time will tell in that regard. All I know is, I felt somehow wrong for being in church yesterday, like I was such a pagan unbeliever that I had no business being in God's house. It was rather unsettling. Even if it's been a while since I've been, I usually find myself strengthened and refreshed by attending services. Not yesterday, though. We'll see. I reckon I'll be going back, since J loved it - he kept saying he wanted to go back to "chotch", and he'd grab his bucket and my keys and head for the door, saying, "I've got my keys, I'm going to chotch right now!" LOL

An exercise in frustration

It's been a day already, and it's not even 9:00. UGH.

For starters, I overslept. Big time. I woke up at 6:47, when I heard J rustling around in his room. Doesn't that just figure, weekends he'll be up at the butt crack of dawn, and on a weekday he'll sleep until almost 7. (And he might have slept past 7 - he wasn't really awake when I heard him, just moving around a bit.) I swore very creatively and hit the ground running. J was none too happy about being rousted out of bed in such an unseemly fashion, but he went along with it for the most part (although he did get perturbed when I told him there was no time to watch TV and when I wouldn't let him have a bowl of shredded cheese to eat in the car - yeah, like that cheese would have made it into his mouth, more like it would have been ground into my carpet).

Daycare drop-off went fine, thankfully. J hugged me, gave me a kiss, and said, "Bye, mama!" But as I was leaving daycare, I was trying to turn left out of the parking lot, so I could go get gas in the car (which was totally sucking fumes). One of the employees wanted to turn in the exit side to get to the employee parking without having to wade through parents dropping off their kids - understandable, but not real practical at that point, since I would have had to turn right to get out of her way instead of left like I wanted to do (and had my turn signal on to do). She sat there and honked at me, and was of course pissing off drivers trying to get around her (and since there were cars coming, I couldn't go ahead and turn left to get out of her way - of course, with cars coming, I couldn't turn right, either). She could have gone past me to get into the parking lot another way, but kept honking at me instead. Finally, after there was almost a wreck, I did what I didn't want to do - turned right onto the one-way ramp that put me on the highway and away from a gas station, never mind that the "low fuel" light on my car had come on. It was just too much this morning, and I cried halfway to the next gas station, about 10 miles up the road. I made it, but still - it wasn't how I'd planned to do it, and it's a good thing I didn't run out of gas.

Then it was stupid driver day on the road. I don't know why I even bother using a turn signal, no one pays attention to it. In fact, I think it inspires people to be even ruder drivers and cut you off that much faster. There were probably four or five times that I was cut off, either when I wanted to change lanes or when someone else seemed to think their car and mine could occupy the same space at the same time. That being said, there was one nice driver in downtown, who let me over when a DART bus pulled out and stopped in front of me unexpectedly - so kudos to that person and sucks to the rest of the idiots on the road this morning.

And now I'm at work. Joy. I didn't have time to fix a lunch, so I'll have to go buy something - wasn't planning on doing that. I just hope the day improves from here. If it's all this vexing, I might just go home and have tequila for dinner.

Interview update, part deux

Update from today's interview! :)

I thought it went pretty well. I talked to the hiring manager for about an hour. The job sounds very challenging, but also very interesting - it's definitely a specialized niche, and she said that you can't really find people who know the role already, that they have to find people with some of the experience they're looking for and train those people to do the job. She also said she'd put off making a decision to have a chance to interview me and one other person, so that's promising, yes? :) After she and I talked, I talked to two of the attorneys who work there, doing the job I'd be doing if I'm hired. We talked for about 35 minutes, and then they took me around, gave me the tour and introduced me to everyone. The hiring manager said she's looking to make a decision pretty soon. She has one more candidate to talk to, and then she hopes to be deciding in short order, as she needs the help as soon as possible. She also asked if I'd be interested in a position later in the year, if she turned out to have more qualified people right now than she had openings (she's interviewing for four positions right now, and will have two in August or September). I had to think about half a second before I said that I'd definitely be interested in anything later! I'm terrible at reading situations, but I'm cautiously optimistic that I'll hear something good from this at some point. I think it would pay more than I currently make, although I'm not sure exactly how much more. This company would pay for maintaining my legal credentials (bar dues, Estate Planning Council, etc. - currently I get reimbursed for $300 worth of professional expenses, which leaves me paying probably over $700 out of pocket with all the professional crap I belong to, and the attorney occupation tax - don't even get me started on how much that annoys me), and I'd get four weeks of vacation instead of the three I currently get (and will have at my current job until hell freezes over). I'm going to send a good suck-up thank you letter, and then I guess I just wait to hear.

Now I really *have* seen it all....

Forget-Me-Not Panties

Isn't this taking things just a bit too far? If I ever get lingerie as a gift, perhaps I should check it for GPS tracking devices....

Keep breathing in and out

That was today's online fortune cookie. Appropriate, since I'm so slammed at work today, sometimes I do almost forget to breathe!

Vent for the day: anytime anyone in my company hears the word "trust" come out of someone's mouth, they direct that person's call to us. Never mind that their trust-related questions may have absolutely nothing to do with what we do here, if it's anything to do with a trust, then we must be the people they need to talk to. Feh. We get a lot of weird phone calls that way. I just got one of them, which is why I'm whining. :)

I've got more to write, but I'll do it later, when I'm not so busy. Only 40 minutes of the work week left - breathe in, breathe out....

Thursday

I'm tired. Last night J fought bedtime for all he was worth. He didn't fuss much, just didn't sleep. We changed underpants FIVE times - he was insistent that he had to change on the sofa. The first couple of times I figured, if it gets him to go to sleep, it's not a big deal to essentially waste the underpants. By the third time, though, I'd had just about enough. At one point he got out of bed and came wandering down the hall, and he very, very seldom dooes that. Finally I told him that the next sound I heard out of that room had better be snoring, and after some rustling and squirming and trying to get situated, he finally obliged. It was after 10:00 at that point, though, and J was up and raring to go by 6:20. Eight hours of sleep is NOT enough for a not-quite-three-year-old. I told his teacher this morning that he'd probably want to take a long nap, but for her to please, please wake him up! We'll see. Maybe tonight he'll be so tired he'll crash at 8:30, and maybe I will, too.

Just another day in paradise. I'd better get back to my pile of work!

It's Out Of My Hands

Song lyrics that just struck me as a little bit fitting for where I am in life right now - perhaps more from K's point of view than mine. Yep, my secret is out, I dig out my beer-drinkin' country music when it gets too late at night. :)

I'll just turn away, there's no need to watch her leaving
I don't want to let her see me cry
And the part of me that's breaking
Is the part that has been taking her for granted
And that's why she said goodbye

It was me that let her down and left her lonely
But her leaving me was never in my plan
It started with my lying
And it ended with me crying
And she's taken all the lonely she can stand

It's out of my hands now
It's over and done
She's made her choice now
And I'm not the one
She'll find her future with some other man
It was all up to me but I just couldn't see
Now it's out of my hands.

She tried every way she knew to make me happy
She was more than just a lover and a friend
I was just too blind to see
And now she set me free
So it's best to walk away and let it end

It's out of my hands now
It's over and done
She's made her choice now
And I'm not the one
She'll find her future with some other man
It was all up to me but I just couldn't see
Now it's out of my hands.

-Randy Travis, It's Out Of My Hands

Another year down the crapper

Today is my birthday. I'm 37. When I was younger, 37 seemed positively ancient. Now that I'm here, it's not that old after all. I don't *feel* old (well, not most days).

My mom was right - time really does go by faster the older you get. When I was a child, it seemed like my birthday would *never* get here, a year was forever! Now, a blink of the eye and it's gone.

I'm too tired to have profound thoughts right now. K's mom called to wish me happy birthday, so I'm glad that she and I are still on an even keel. :)

And I got my birthday gift from J last night - money for the new floor fund (or "birthday floor" for short)! His card said daddy thought it was a good idea. :) I can't wait. I'm ready to get that new floor put down RIGHT NOW. My carpet looks like crap and I hate it.

Crack Brownies

I found this recipe tonight on one of the message boards I frequent. It's been a bitch of a day, I was really craving chocolate comfort food, and I had all the ingredients. Did I sensibly say, no, it's too late, let me wait on this? No, I dashed to the kitchen and started making brownies at 11:30 at night. Here it is, the recipe for wickedness on a plate - I can't take credit for the recipe or the name - just sharing something that's wonderfully easy and sinfully gooooooooood!

Crack Brownies

INGREDIENTS:
1 cup butter
2 cup white sugar
4 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
2/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp salt
1/2-1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips (optional)


Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour a 9x13” pan. In a large saucepan, melt 1 cup butter. Remove from heat, and stir in sugar, eggs, and 2 teaspoon vanilla. Beat in 2/3 cup cocoa, 1 cup flour, and salt. If desired, add in semi-sweet chocolate chips and mix well. Spread batter into prepared pan. Bake in preheated oven for 25 to 30 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Do not overcook.

Yuck.

K has been talking to his mom - she's taking the separation hard, and she's asked K if he has to lease an apartment, that's such a long time, couldn't he just get a hotel for a little while. She and I have talked, too, and I'm sure we'll talk more. She hasn't been told the whole saga of all the factors that have gone into this decision, and we haven't told family yet that this is more likely than not to be a permanent thing. Time enough for that later, when it becomes a definite thing. And really, I don't want to tell her all the factors that have come into play, at least for me. I don't think it's necessarily family's business to know all of the issues in our marriage - maybe I'm wrong, but I think some things are better kept between K and I. But if his mom persists in feeling like this should be resolved in short order, I may have to tell her at least some of my thought processes, to make it clear (hopefully) that, as far as I'm concerned, if our marriage can ever be saved and if we can work through things, that working through can't be accomplished in a short time.

But here are my thoughts on what has broken things up from my point of view:

*K felt like the sparkle was gone, the joy of discovering new things about a person. He chose to find something to fulfill that thing he was missing outside the marriage, through friendships. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with K having friends - in fact, I'd never suggest that I should be his sole focus, I'd think that would make for a very unhealthy relationship if we didn't have friends outside of each other. No, where that becomes a problem is when those friendships start usurping time and emotions that should be reserved for your spouse.

*K allowed himself, not once but twice, to focus on other women instead of me, to the extent that he found himself developing romantic feelings for them. And if you're unhappy with your spouse, for whatever reason, and spend time, either in person or online/on the phone, with someone that you feel thinks more like you, is more of a soulmate or a kindred spirit than your spouse is, it's only natural that you might start to feel something more than friendship, some deeper connection. I confronted him the first time and he backed off. The second time, he didn't. I felt like I asked, begged, pleaded, told him he was taking me for granted - he agreed, and then nothing changed. He'd still say how high when JG said jump. He'd still cut and run when she called, no matter what a bind it might have left me in. His mom mentioned something about being concerned when she was in the picture so much, and I just touched on it briefly, saying yes, K spent a lot of time with her, and that hurt. Had I issued an ultimatum, said he had to choose between JG or me, I'm not sure which way that would have gone - he might have said at that point that he wanted out. All I know is, I felt like he realized what he was feeling for her and continued to pursue the relationship instead of backing away from it and honoring the commitment he'd made to me. If he'd done that two or three years ago, at that point we'd have still had a marriage that might could have been saved.

*It's not just the other women (although the emotional infidelity - because in my mind, that's what it was, investing time and emotions outside the marriage that he should have invested in me - is what has hurt the most, I think). For so long, I felt like I was carrying the load. He lost a good job through no fault of his own, and I know that was hard on him. But he got another job. That other job did allow him the flexibility to stay home with J for six months when I had to go back to work, and I am SO incredibly thankful for that - both for the flexibility and for the fact that K was willing to do it, because I'd have wanted to die if I'd have had to leave my baby in daycare when he was just six weeks old. But that job was also a temp position - he had work for as long as he wanted it, and he was quite good at what he did. But the salary wasn't great, there was very little in the way of benefits, and if there was no work coming in, he couldn't work and thus didn't get paid. When a job craps out for a week or two, that's usually manageable. But when it goes on for a month or two or six (yes, this happened once other than when he stayed home with J), that pretty much makes budgeting an impossibility. I tried to encourage and be supportive, I tried to help, finding job listings and sending out resumes and encouraging K to do that for himself. And he would, for a bit - he'd go in spurts and send out and apply and go on interviews as they came up. But then he'd get discouraged and quit looking, and wait for the temp work to come back. I was incredibly frustrated by what I saw as his not having the initiative to do whatever it took to provide for the family, I felt like the bulk of that burden was falling to me, even before J was born, and I was tired of carrying it. I couldn't understand how he could let things go on as they were.

Now, I think too much has been said as far as what each of us thinks we want - what he's said he'd look for in a woman is too different from what I am, and even if he said he wanted to come back, I think I'd still feel like I'd have to be mighty convinced that it was me he wanted, and not just the security of being married. I wish this were as simple as "honey, I slept with another woman, it meant nothing" or "I'm sorry I haven't helped out around the house, I'll do more to help in the future." But to me, it isn't. Even if K came back and was suddenly every woman's absolute dream in terms of helping with all the day-to-day stuff around the house, being totally considerate of my every need, helping with the cooking, doing everything absolutely right, I don't know if I'd ever be able to trust 1) that he really, truly, deep-down wanted *me*, and 2) that the development of feelings for someone else would never happen again. He didn't intend for it to happen the first two times. And unless I were his only friend, I don't think there's any guarantee that it wouldn't happen again, and I don't think I could carry on, being a happy wife, waiting for the othe shoe to drop, wondering if it would. It might almost be easier to get past involvement of another woman if it were someone K had just gone out and slept with in a moment of physical passion, a one-time thing, never to be repeated. I think that would have hurt less, and would have been something I could have gotten over more easily.

And not that this is all K's doing, not by any stretch of the imagination. I've come to realize that I was something of a control freak. I'm such a little bulldozer that I tend to take over everything without even realizing that I'm doing it. If I see something that needs to be done, I don't wait on someone else, I don't ask for help, I just jump in and do, and I can see where that might make K feel like I didn't need him. And if he was feeling trapped and not happy for some time before we talked about it, apparently there was something about me that made him feel he couldn't approach me with his concerns. Just like something about the relationship made him feel like he needed to look to outside sources for what he felt was missing. Add in the fact that in the past ten years, we've both grown and changed from the people we were when we met in 1993, and it may not be possible or advisable to try to go back to the "perfect" marriage people thought we had. Keep in mind, too, that this is my perception of things. Were K to write his side here, he very well might have a different perception. So I'm trying to just lay out things the way I perceived them, and the way they entered into my thought process - not trying to make K look like the bad guy. If he were a bad guy, I wouldn't have married him in the first place.

I hate that this hurts his family so much. I adore his parents. I hate that he's hurting, trying to talk to them about it. And maybe I'm inflexible and rigid to say I'd have to be seriously convinced if I were to ever consider working on the marriage rather than divorcing, and that K would have to work to win me back should that be something he feels like he wants to do - maybe the Christian thing to do would be to forgive if he's willing to make a sincere effort. But I don't think either of us should do that just because his parents are taking it hard. I think that would be a disservice to everyone, and I think if there's ever any chance of repairing the marriage, it would have to be something he and I each individually decided we wanted to do for our own sake - not for the other's sake, not for J's sake, not for our parents' sake, but because it was what was right for us. I just hope that his parents can eventually come to see that, even though this may not be the path any of us envisioned some years ago when K and I met and married, that it doesn't necessarily have to be a hideous ending, that we can still bring something good from change, that J can still grow up knowing he's got two parents who love him and who will always be involved in his life, even if they don't live in the same house.

One referral down...

Just got a resume from one of the people my former co-worker mentioned - one referral submitted, hopefully one more to come! :) It would be quite nice if this person was hired and I got a referral fee.

Interview update

It's done. I think it went OK. If I make it past this part, there are two other parts of the interview process - drafting a letter in response to a complaint, and a presentation. They hope to make a decision in June, but will take longer than that if need be to find the perfect candidate. I'm happy - I did the best I could, and at least now people higher up know I'd be interested in doing something different. :) So we'll see what happens!

When I finish my phone time, I've got to take a little break and run over to the post office to mail a couple of packages. It will be nice to get outside, even if it is getting hot.

A bit of wisdom from a Starbucks cup

I got a coffee this morning. The Starbucks cups have little blurbs on them now entitled "The Way I See It", quotes from a variety of people. I liked this morning's, from Deepak Chopra:

The secret of attraction is to love yourself. Attractive people judge neither themselves nor others. They are open to gestures of love. They think about love, and express their love in every action. They know that love is not a mere sentiment, but the ultimate truth at the heart of the universe.

Perhaps that was why boys never paid attention to me growing up, because I didn't really love myself. It's taken me lo, these many years (37 as of tomorrow) to realize that I really do deserve to be loved, I really am a good person, and maybe that's making a difference for me.

And speaking of Starbucks, I got a lovely birthday surprise on my desk at work. I'm on a committee that's responsible for event planning, volunteer opportunities, things of that sort, and we make sure everyone who has a birthday gets a little something - a card and a muffin, or, if you know what your birthday buddy likes, you can get them something they'll enjoy. My birthday buddy happened to be one of my team members, and she got me a Starbucks card! Woo!!! Does she know me well or what? :)

My interview is in three hours. Eek. I'm nervous. I'm trying not to be - I mean, if they didn't see *something* worthwhile in me, I don't think they'd have bothered to talk to me, internal or not. But still.... I just hope it goes well. The timing sucks, 12:45 - I don't want to eat before then, for fear that I'll dribble food on myself (yeah, that would make a good impression! LOL), but if I wait until after then, there's not much of a selection left (I didn't bring anything today, since I overslept).

Oh, yes, the morning started off with me oversleeping. J was restless last night, crying in his sleep about 1:15 and 4:15, and waking up soaked at 5:00. I got him changed and back to sleep, and I thought, hmm, perhaps I should go on and get up. Then I thought, nah, I'd like that extra 20 minutes of sleep. And I proceeded to hit snooze until 6:20. EEK. Talk about hitting the ground running. Poor J didn't even get to watch TV this morning, we had to dress and dash!

And now, I'd better get some work done. It's piling up!

Oh...

And in other news - I have an interview for that other position here that I applied for, tomorrow at 12:45. YIKES. Wish me luck, send good thoughts, say a little prayer! :)

Woo!

Just talked to a former co-worker. He has a couple of friends who just graduated from law school and who are looking for jobs, and he was asking about openings here. Long story short, he'll send me their resumes, I'll refer them, and if they're hired I'll get money! :) That would be a lovely, lovely surprise. It really does pay to make friends as you go and keep in touch with them, you never know when something good might work out from it.

Happy Monday!

It's just another start to another exciting week. Not much has happened so far today. J slept until I woke him up at 6:30, daycare drop-off went fine, work is work.

Weight loss: I've been stress eating again. Bad, bad, bad. I ventured onto the scale this morning and was pleasantly surprised to see that I've maintained the 7.4 pounds gone in spite of my food-related naughtiness. I need to work out. I need to rearrange the workout equipment I have to where it's easy for me to use. If it's inconvenient, I won't do it. And now that J has started going to sleep earlier, if the trend continues, I'll have more time to exercise and less of an excuse for not doing it. Hopefully that will be the case.

So, if a guy calls just to say hi and see how you're doing, is that a good thing? I hadn't talked to T over the weekend, he had his boys for the weekend. He called on his way to work Sunday, said he just wanted to say hi, and that he was sorry we hadn't been able to talk for a bit. I'd think that would be a good thing, but I haven't dated in so long, my memory may be off. LOL

Hey, lunchtime - that means the work day is almost half over, woo hoo! (I'm so easily entertained, it's kind of sad.)

Just not right

K came over today, to spend some time with J and to pick up a few things he'd left here (some of his stuff is still here, mostly just the essentials went with him, some of it may stay stored here until he's able to get himself a little house instead of an apartment). And that was fine, not a problem - he and I get along well enough that it's not a huge crisis if he wants to come by and see the J-man, I have no problem with it. No, what got to me is this. As K was putting things in his car, J turned to me and said, "daddy go bye-bye, mama." I told him yes, daddy would be going bye-bye in a little bit, but not quite yet. At the time, I didn't think J's comment got to me that much - I thought, oh, good, maybe this just shows that all of this won't cause him nearly the trauma I'd feared it might.

But tonight, when J asked me to rock him and sing to him, I couldn't - I got all choked up and couldn't sing to save my life. After he went to bed, I sat down and cried. It SUCKS that my child already says "daddy go bye-bye" like it's just a fact of life. That's not how it's supposed to be, and it breaks my heart. But I just don't think I have it in me (and I don't think K does, either) to try to repair the shreds of what used to be a marriage solely to preserve J's home intact. Is that wrong? Does that make me a bad mother, not to be able to make that sacrifice if it might be better for J? And would it even really *be* better for J for K and I to try to stay in the same house? I don't know. All I know is, it's not supposed to turn out this way, and the fact that my son can take it seemingly so matter-of-factly makes me sad.

The terrible almost-threes

No one ever tells you beforehand how very draining motherhood can be. I adore J, wouldn't trade being his mother for anything, wouldn't send him back even if I could. But some days - today being one of them - he just makes me so TIRED. He's terrible-two-going-on-terrible-three - he pushes every boundary to see exactly how far he can get, and then when you set the boundary, he really has a fit. Yesterday he tried to stand on his head - on the sofa. Not good, when he's so tall that if he did stand on his head, he could easily flip himself over the back of the sofa. I told him no, we don't do that, sat him down, asked him if he wanted a big time-out. He said no, and I told him we'd have one if he stood on his head like that again. What does he do? Three seconds later, head goes down, feet go up. Five seconds later, mama and J are sitting in the time-out spot. I sit with him and hold him there, because he won't sit there on his own, he'll get up and run off. So for three minutes we sat and he screamed. Afterward, he didn't stand on his head again, but I was wiped out. It's the pushing and the need for me to constantly repeat myself - I love preschooler selective hearing. I keep hearing that it will get better as he gets older, or at least different. :)

Tomorrow it's back to work. I saw a quiz that was one of the little stories that shows up when you sign on to AOL entitled something like, Is it time to quit your job? I think I could answer yes to all of them - things like, Monday is the hardest day of the week, tired all the time, often late to work, struggle to get out of bed. The only warning sign I didn't have was disagreements with co-workers - that's the one thing about my job I really *do* like! I've applied for a position in a different area where I currently work, and it sounds like something I might be better suited for temperamentally. It still wouldn't use my legal education a whole lot, I don't think, but it would be a better fit in other ways. I may not have a snowball's chance in hell of getting it, but I gave it a shot - if they tell me no, it's not the end of the world.

I think I'll treat myself to a somewhat early bedtime tonight - J was asleep by 8:30 (at least there's some benefit to him not taking naps, bedtime is a fraction earlier!), and I'm wiped out. More later!

Happy day!

What a nice surprise - I got a call from T at work! He just wanted to call and let me know he was thinking about me. That made me smile. :) He said it would have been nice to get together this weekend, but his work schedule doesn't allow for it. I'm OK with that, I've got plenty to do on the home front to keep me occupied for the weekend and then some. But I was glad to hear from him. A friend of mine suggested that maybe it was the three-day rule (apparently this is something from the movie Swingers, which I've never seen - you don't call until three days after the date), and who knows, maybe she was right! LOL Anyway, it was a happy surprise in the middle of my otherwise mundane work day.

And now, that mundane work day is almost over - time to go home, woo hoo!!!

Just a week away...

from my 37th birthday. I've been out of college for 15 years, out of law school for 12 years. My marriage has fallen apart, I'm not setting the working world on fire, my finances are mediocre at best. Is this where I thought I'd be when I was getting close to 40? I don't think so. And if I'm only going to live to be 70-something or 80-something, my life could be half over, or getting close to it. That's kind of depressing.

But on the plus side, I've got a wonderful, beautiful, healthy, intelligent son to love and take care of, and hopefully raise to be a good, loving, wonderful man. And that makes up for a lot of the depressing bits. :-)

I'd better work. I'm feeling some better today - not 100% yet, but not like I want to lay down and die. Hooray for Augmentin!

Feeling...

fair to middling, physically. My throat still hurts, although it no longer feels like I'm swallowing knives. I've been running a fever of about 100, though. YUCK. Come on, Augmentin, do your thing and get rid of this crap for a good long while. I'm tired of being sick every time I turn around.

I must admit to feeling a bit bemused, emotionally. Went out with T on Sunday, and I thought we had a really good time. Yet I've not heard a peep from him since then. ??? I'm pretty terrible at reading things and people, and I'm not sure what to make of it. Maybe it's a perfectly normal thing not to hear, it's only Tuesday, after all. I haven't dated in so long, what do I know? *shrug* So I suppose now I just wait and see if/when I hear.

And right now, I think I'll treat myself to a bowl of ice cream, a big dose of Nyquil, and about three more hours of sleep than I usually get. Good night, y'all!

Home again, home again...

at least for a moment. I'm about to take off here in a couple of minutes to pick up J, but I wanted to have a little break before I did. I left work early because I just felt like hammered crap. I hate this. I'm not sick all the time like I seem to have been this year.

I've stopped and picked up my prescription, now I just wait for it to kick in. I hope I feel better soon. I may actually try to go to sleep early tonight, assuming I have no interesting e-mails to keep me up. :)

Oh, and I never did talk about my night out with T. It was lovely. :) We went to see the new Star Wars movie - I thought it kicked ass! It had gotten some bad reviews that I'd heard, but I didn't see it. After the movie, it was sort of a comedy of errors, trying to find a place that was open to get a bite to eat and a drink (in a big metropolitan area, you'd think that wouldn't be an issue, but apparently the closer you get to my little podunk corner of the world, the earlier things close! LOL) - I'll write more about that when I'm not so tired and sort of pressed for time. Hopefully we'll get to do it again before too much time has passed.

OK, gotta dash - time to leave to pick up the monkey boy. More later!

Ugh.

It's Tuesday. It feels like a Monday. I need to make ten or eleven phone calls to meet my monthly quota, and I'm about 3/4 sick today. I think the sinus infection is coming back. I've already called my doc asking for antibiotics. I am SO TIRED of being sick. Seems like every time I turn around, it's coming back. It's never been this persistent before, and I DON'T LIKE IT.

So yeah, my throat hurts and my voice is all froggy - that should make phone calls fun. :-p

Other than that, it's just a day.

I'll write more later, when I'm not feeling so much like hammered crap.

Looking forward to a long weekend!

Hooray, it's Friday, and Monday is a holiday!!! :)

Yesterday got better after the big poop adventure, thankfully. Today also started off in a body-function-related manner, but not with poop, thank goodness. No, the big news is, J peed on the potty!!!! This is huge - I was beginning to wonder if we'd be potty-trained before he outgrew Pull-Ups! He woke up this morning and told me he needed to go to the potty right now - he was already trying to pull his underpants off. So we got those off, ran for the bathroom, and he put his stepstool to where he could climb up and sit on the potty. He didn't even use his little potty seat, he told me he didn't need it. He just sat right down on the potty and peed. :) I told him I was so proud of him, and that he did just right, if he needed to go he should say so and take off for the bathroom and I'd be right behind him. Yay for potty progress!!!!

You know, I had no idea before I had a child how much of a parent's life can revolve around different bodily fluids and functions....

In other news: It looks like I may have a date this weekend. :) Not sure of the specifics just yet, but T called last night and we figured out what would be about halfway between the two of us so we could meet. (Not quite ready to have anyone coming to my house just yet, that privilege will have to be earned.) He's not quite as familiar with the more southern parts of the metroplex as I am, but he said he'd check and find out what was in the area. I'm thinking we'll probably go out tomorrow, but I could be wrong. At any rate, it will be a nice evening, I think.

Other than that, it's just a day. We've got some high muckety-mucks here at the office today, taking a tour, so we've all had to dress presentably and clean up our work spaces. And on a Friday, too, which is usually a day to wear jeans. AND a Friday before a holiday, no less. Yeah, this is a good day to make a good impression. LOL

I'd better get back to work, though - much to do before I get out of here, and we're taking one of my co-workers to lunch today, so that will take up a good bit of the day. More later!

It was a day before I ever got out the door

Well. It's been an interesting morning already, and it's not even 9:30 yet.

First, J woke up wet. They've apparently revamped the Huggies GoodNites, and the underpants were disintegrating. I found him in his bed, pulling little bits of pee-soaked stuffing out of the underpants and scattering them around the bed. So I got him out of bed, took off the underpants...and then smelled poo. I noticed four or five brown blotches on the carpet right around the time J said, "Mama, I got poo-poo on my foot!" So I was trying to get him cleaned up, get the poo off his foot without him getting any more of it on the carpet, get the poo off the carpet, keep J from sitting in the poo before I got it up off the carpet, and just generally having a good time. I also had to get the sheet and mattress pad off the bed and into the wash and dispose of the underpants without leaving a trail of soggy pee-soaked diaper filling throughout the house. It was a day before I ever got out the door this morning. *SIGH*

And second, R called this morning. I've mentioned R just briefly before - we'd gone out a couple of times, and he'd then told me he didn't want to get too serious about anything before I got my life straightened out, but we continued to talk a bit. Well, he's engaged. I was surprised, to put it mildly. He'd mentioned not too long ago that he'd started dating someone and thought something about what if Lisa were available (which, I must confess, I found pretty flattering :) ). So I knew he wasn't just twiddling his thumbs waiting on me to get my life straight, and that's OK - I couldn't ask that of him, and wouldn't expect him to wait on me indefinitely. But wow, I never expected him to get engaged so quickly! I guess this just means he's at a place in his life where he's ready to be in a serious relationship, and that wouldn't have worked for me. I like him a lot, and I'd have loved to have had the chance to see where things might have gone, but I wouldn't have been ready to be engaged or married anytime soon. So I reckon he and I just weren't meant to be. I wished him well, and we're going to stay friends and stay in touch. That will be nice, it's always good to have friends.

And now I'm at work, and up to my eyeballs in things to do. I am so looking forward to Monday off, even if daycare is closed and I spend the day running after the wild man of Borneo. :)

Halfway through the week

You know, my mother always told me not to wish my life away. But sometimes, it's awfully hard not to wish for the weekend!

It's been a day. Busy, busy. Lots of stuff to do at work. I feel like I'm being moderately productive, but I'm not getting anywhere near caught up. It's like trying to go up the down escalator, I manage to do enough to not get pulled too far backward but I never feel like I make any real progress!

J's been having meltdown mornings at school, but today was surprisingly good. He decided he wanted to go eat breakfast (not something he normally does). He told me bye, gave me a kiss and walked off with his teacher with nary a peep. :)

I may have a date sometime soon! Woo hoo! T asked if I'd like to go see a movie with him. I said sure, but we haven't decided on a specific time yet. If it's this weekend, there could be problems - K may have plans, but he's not sure yet, either. Oooh, the first potential conflict over both of us wanting to go out on the same weekend. LOL See, this is why I need to find a good babysitter, and one of the major disadvantages of having family all living out of state.

I do have a possible lead on a babysitter, though. She's a student at a local college, and has stayed with my college roommate's son - he just loves her, asks his mom when the babysitter is coming back. LOL She's certified in child CPR, and if J takes to her, well, it may cost a bit more than most sitters, but it will be money well spent in my book. I need to call and touch base with her, even if it turns out I don't need her to keep J this weekend.

I'd better get back to it. I've got tons of phone calls to make and lots of other things to do. Is it 5:00 yet? And will someone please tell me to stay the hell away from the Reese's peanut butter cups?! I am craving sugar something fierce.

Fortune cookie du jour

Today's tidbit of wisdom: "Being aware of your fears will improve your life." Huh?! I don't get much from that even if I add "in bed" to it.

It's Monday. All day long. The day started out with a flaming meltdown at daycare. Normally J is pretty happy to go watch a movie until his teacher gets there. His other choice is going to the ballpit, and he doesn't care for that if it's more than just his class in there - too loud for his taste. This morning, though, he waffled. He wanted one, then the other, then the one, then the other. I thought it odd that he'd even ask to go to the ballpit, since normally he's not the slightest bit interested. Finally I told him that mama had to go to work, he could stay and watch the movie. One of his teachers picked him up, and he screamed his little head off as I left. I hate days like that. I sat in the car and cried. What a way to start the week. I did call later and check on him, and once his teacher got there and his routine was underway, he was fine. They'll be changing the procedures soon, and he'll be able to go straight to class when he arrives. That should suit him just fine - he'd stay in there by himself of a morning if I'd let him. LOL

Then there was traffic - the way I usually go was shut down due to a gas leak in, and evacuation of, a building in that area. So I had to slog up the interstate all the way to downtown, and I was late. *sigh*

And then there's the pile of work on my desk. So much work, so little get-up-and-go at the moment. I look at it and think, "hm, I'll do that tomorrow." Problem is, month-end is coming up and "tomorrows" are running short.

Weight loss - down another pound, for a total of 7.4 pounds gone. :) I really must get back on the treadmill, though.

Now I'm tired and would just like to go home. Is it 5:00 yet?

What a weekend.

Let's see, what's happened since I posted last?

I think I've mentioned T before - we've been talking via e-mail and phone since the beginning of April, and the conversations were going well. He was downtown for an interview on Friday and called to see if I'd like to go to lunch. Of course I said yes, and we had a nice time. He e-mailed Friday night, said he had a good time at lunch and that we should get together again, and said he'd call on Saturday (yesterday). Thus far, he's been very good about doing what he said he would - for example, he'd said he'd call one night, and he did call, just to tell me he'd just gotten home from his son's band recital and would it be OK if he called the next night. I mean, how many people think to call to let you know it's turned out not to be a good time to talk after all? Most people would have just thought, oh, I'll call tomorrow, and never given it a second thought. So anyway, he'd said on Friday that he'd call Saturday. Saturday came and went - no call, no e-mail. Hmm. Today has come and gone - no call, no e-mail. Based on what I know of T thus far, this seems to be pretty out of character. I can't decide whether I'm annoyed or concerned. I'd e-mailed him back Friday, so now I guess I just wait a bit and see if I hear from him.

In other news: I spent most of Saturday in the ER, fun, fun. I started having a pain in my left side on Friday evening, and it got worse until I was in tears. I didn't cry after my c-section, I didn't cry after my lap-band, I didn't cry when J head-butted me square in the nose (although I did say a couple of words he probably shouldn't learn) - I don't cry over pain very often. So the fact that this hurt so much I was crying was slightly worrisome to me. It still hurt Saturday morning, so J stayed with K (and was oh, such a handful for his daddy - "I want, I don't want, I'm so tired I don't know what I want, I think I'll just sit down and scream!!!") and I took myself to the ER. Six hours, bloodwork, a CT scan, and a $50 copay later, they couldn't tell me what the problem was. OY. So I had an IV stuck in my hand (which actually hurt more than my pain, I think), drank a vat of nasty-tasting stuff, and squandered a perfectly good Saturday for that. On the bright side, the pain was less last night, and today it seems to be mostly gone as long as I don't move too quickly. Maybe I just pulled a muscle? I have no clue.

The freaky thing is, K's dad was in the ER yesterday for a kidney stone - pain in the same place, had a CT scan, pretty much just like my day. And today he's feeling better. That's an interesting coincidence, no?

I'm tired, I think I'll call it a night. Tomorrow it's back to work. Blech.

A good day at the office!

Today actually hasn't been bad. I had my review meeting with my manager (it got rescheduled from yesterday) - I'm not the best on the team, but I don't suck. :) I actually manage to do a few things right now and then.

And today has been a good day workwise, too. I've gotten a whopping 28 account reviews done, and I feel VERY good about that. I was thinking I'd have to come in some weekend and catch up on those, but I managed to crank out a bunch to day, and so now I have a little breathing room. Always a good thing.

Tonight is my monthly turn of servitude on the phones - I'll be here until 7:00, praying that the phones don't ring. I hate phone time.

Other good news: got my security system bill caught up and will be getting the alarm system reconnected on Tuesday! Not that I've ever felt unsafe where I am, but you can't be too careful.

So there you have it, a day that's a bit better than average. Kind of nice for a change!

Just ugh.

Yesterday was good - had J's follow-up with the allergist. He was amazingly good for that, a trip to Target, and most of a trip to the post office. He finally had a fit when we were leaving the post office, he saw a fire truck outside and didn't want to get in the car, he wanted to stay outside and see the fire truck. Never mind that it had already gone by! LOL No nap, of course, but we played with trucks and read and watched a little TV, and I cooked dinner, did some laundry and picked up a little bit.

Last night J looked at a spot where some of K's stuff used to be and made a comment about the stuff being gone. This is the first thing he's ever said about things being different, and it just about made me want to cry. That's what I hate the most about this, the impact it will/may/could have on J. I wonder sometimes if I'm selfishly putting my own interests above those of my son in getting out of my marriage, if maybe I'm not doing the best I can for him. But then I think, but how much good would it do him for mom and dad to stay together just for his sake, and then split up when he's 18? What kind of damage would *that* do? And what sort of example would he grow up with, being in a house where mom and dad are friends but nothing more? Not like that would be exactly an ideal environment, either. So logically I know it's the right move, but emotionally it just hurt to hear J say that.

My job makes me tired. I have no get-up-and-go, this place just sucks the life out of me. If it weren't for the people I work with, I think I'd have gone stark raving mad by now.

I have my quarterly one-on-one review meeting with my manager this afternoon, and I have to return a call to a disgruntled client. Wish me luck.

Weight loss update

I got on the scale for my weekly weigh-in on Sunday - down 6.4 pounds!!! Woo hoo!!!!!! It was a good week foodwise - not a lot of cheats, although I did have a few nibbles I shouldn't have had yesterday. I'm pleased. I already feel like my skirts fit better, and my middle feels less pudgy. So only 18 more pounds to get to the lowest weight I'd reached after my lap-band surgery, and then onward and downward to lose more weight still!!!!

I feel good enough now that I'm going to get back to working out of an evening. I'll get back on the treadmill - it's boring as all get out to me, but it's what I have handy and it's easy to do after J goes to sleep.

I can do this, I can, I can!!!!

And so begins another week

It was a decent weekend. J was such a good boy for me on Saturday. I had to go to the post office and to Target, and he told me no, he didn't want to go to the post office. I explained that I needed to go there and he could help me, and when I asked him if he'd be a good boy, he said he would. So he came in at the P.O. with me and was just fascinated by the idea of opening little boxes with little keys and getting stuff out. He wanted me to open all the mailboxes! LOL He helped me carry mail out to the car and was quite pleased with himself. Then we went to Target, and when he started to have a moment, I reminded him he'd said he'd be a good boy and told him what a help it was to mama that he was being so good, and he was fine after that. What a difference it makes not trying to shop with a wailing child - it was actually a nice outing! Of course, he threw a fit when he got home, as if to say, "Mama, I've been good all morning, now I simply MUST have a fit!" LOL

The weekend's big project: putting together the DVD/VHS holder I bought at Target. It wasn't too bad - I got it put together in about half an hour, and didn't even need the electric screwdriver. Just a Phillips screwdriver and a little bit of elbow grease, and ta da! A place to store all of J's DVDs and videos so they don't get stacked up on top of my new TV. Now, the trick is to keep J from pulling them all off and examining them. He's done pretty well with it, although he did keep taking different videos out right at first.

I also got the new TV hooked up, finally. It's GREAT!!!! Such a difference from my old TV, in picture and in sound. And I'm getting rid of the old one through Freecycle - what a great concept that is. It's a mailing list (you can search the site to see if there's one in your area) that lets you offer stuff you'd otherwise be getting rid of to other list members - no money changes hands, you just offer and whoever accepts comes to pick it up. If someone can use what you've got, you get what's junk to you off of your hands, someone else gets something they need, and it keeps a lot of old stuff out of landfills. I think it's a pretty neat concept. So far I've gotten rid of two crapped-out lawnmowers, a boatload of kitchen stuff, and now the TV. Next on the Freecycle list: the old washing machine....

And in keeping with the electronic theme, I also got my iPod! Woo hoo!!!!!!!! I didn't realize just how small it would be - it's pretty tiny. I've downloaded exactly one song to go on it - with dial-up, it takes about 20 minutes to download an average-length song. So I'll download what, one song a day for the next four or five years before I get it filled up? LOL Nah, I'm sure I'll put a lot of music I already have on there, but it is cool to be able to download all those songs I like but wouldn't want to buy a whole album just to have. Now I need a case for the iPod so it doesn't get scratched up. Wonder if there's an adapter that would let me run it through my car CD player? Must find out.

Talked to T on Saturday - we chatted for about an hour. It was a nice conversation. I just enjoy talking to him! No one is in any big rush to meet in person, and right now, that's good with me. It's nice just being able to get to know each other by talking first.

Now, it's time to work - I can't believe it's 10:30 already, where has the morning gone?! More later!

Friday.

I still feel moderately crappy. I did go to the doctor yesterday - oh, surprise, another sinus infection. Did you know liquid Augmentin tastes pretty nasty? If all liquid antibiotics taste this bad, no wonder J balks at taking them.

Really, not a lot is going on right now. I'm just trying to make it through the work day and waiting for my meds to kick in, so I can start feeling better.

Moving up!

J has moved up to the three-year-old room at daycare! I can't believe he's getting to be such a big boy. *sniffle* I noticed yesterday that all the kids in his class, with the exception of one boy who's a week younger than Julian and who's new to the daycare, are at least four months younger than he is. Some of them are almost a full year younger than he is, and at this age, that's a big gap in terms of development. So I'd thought about asking the director when he could move up - he's not quite three, but he likes the teacher in the three-year-old class.

J's regular teacher has been out this week, recovering from minor surgery. He's been less than enthused about going to class in her absence. This morning he was asking to go to the three-year-old class before we even got to school. The director was at the front desk this morning, so I told her about Julian's interest in moving up, explained the age gap between him and the other children in the two-year-old class and that all his little buddies he's come up with have already moved up, and asked if he could go to that class for the morning if not go ahead and move up. The director seemed surprised that J was so enthusiastic about the move, but said that perhaps that's why he's been not so happy with his regular teacher out this week - he likes her, but doesn't fit well with the rest of the class. She said the three-year-old room had an opening that had just become available yesterday, so J could move up starting today! Woo hoo!!!!!!! He may be one of the youngest in the class, but he's bigger than most of the kids, and I know he's smarter than most - he's one of the two children in that group (they've been mostly together since the Infant II room, age 12-18 months) who's consistently been interested in the learning activities. So I think he'll do really well there, being with a teacher he likes and with all his familiar buddies.

In other news: getting back to a better eating plan has paid off - I'm down 3.4 pounds so far! :) I know it's probably all water weight at this point, but still, it's good to see the scale going down again. I haven't exercised the past two nights, because I feel like a hammered cow pie - hard to get excited about working out when you can't breathe through your nose. I'm going to do my weight training, though - I can do that even though I'm congested. I'd like to lose at least 10-15 pounds before I go back to see my surgeon, so hopefully he won't yell *too* much. LOL Surprisingly, it's been easy for me to stick to the WOE so far - I haven't even had any Somersize-legal desserts, much less bad sugary treats, because I just haven't had a craving for sweets. VERY unusual for me, but hey, I'll take it and say thank you as long as it lasts.

How could I forget?!

Happy Mother's Day to me! J got mama a spa gift certificate - pedicure and massage, here I come! :) I treated myself (finally) to an iPod - it should be here in a week or so. And I bought some new dishes (the old ones have this ridiculous country scene on them, I've had them for 15 years or so, it was time for them to go). Wonder how I'm going to find a way to top that for my birthday? LOL

Ugh.

I feel like Snots the dog in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I'm suffering through yet another round of allergies/sinus/cold/whatever the hell it is I've got. How can my nose simultaneously be congested *and* running? One of the great mysteries of life....

Other than the snot, it's just another day in paradise. :)

Still here!

I didn't realize how long it had been since I posted!

Life is pretty much rocking along. Nothing too major has happened. I deal with almost-3-year-old tantrums on a daily basis - seems like anything can set them off, and running errands is just a delight and a joy. (Note sarcasm.) Seems like J is good for about three minutes at wherever I need to go, and then he goes into combustion mode. *SIGH* It doesn't seem to matter if I run errands early, after work, weeknights, weekends, he just has a fit whenever we have to do something outside of his routine. Please tell me this gets better as he gets older!

Work is work. I'm about half sick today - not sure if it's allergies or a cold or sinuses or what, but I've dragged myself in feeling puny. Blech.

I've gotten back on an eating plan I tried several years ago, Somersizing. Basically it's food combining - you eat proteins/fats separate from carbs (veggies go with either), and there are a few "funky foods" to be avoided altogether. I lost about 38 pounds on it a few years ago, so I know it will help. I didn't have lap-band surgery to have that be just another failed weight-loss effort, so dammit, I WILL get the weight off. I want to lose a little bit before I go back to see my surgeon to have the band adjusted - I'd like to at least get back down to where I was the last time I saw him, maybe then he won't fuss at me quite as much. I started Saturday night, and I'm doing well so far. I must be serious about it, I tossed out an almost-full container of chocolate peanut butter ice cream! LOLOL And I'm going to work out regularly - if the only time I have is after J goes to bed, then that's the time I'll use. Y'all have my permission to ask me regularly how I'm doing, and to kick my butt if I'm not sticking with it. :)

Relationship matters - things are rocking along. An entertaining conversation with K - he's thinking about getting a house in a year or two, which I think is a great thing. I'd love to see him have a place of his own rather than having to rent. He was looking on realtor.com and found that there are some nice little houses, enough for what he'd want, in the area that would cost less than or about the same as what rent runs. There's the home equity loan on my house, which is considered community property at this point. He'd asked me if I thought that would affect his ability to get a loan, and I said that if there was a court order legally designating the debt as mine, I didn't think it could be used against him. He saw the kinds of houses that are available out there, and he asked (jokingly, I think! LOL), "Hey, can we sign those papers right now?" LOL I'm glad he's thinking of his future, and glad that we get along well enough that we can talk about things and joke about things. And I think if we know there's no chance of patching our marriage up (and at this point, I don't think there is a chance - we'd have started working in that direction by now if we were going to), hey, I'm all for hammering out the details and signing papers sooner rather than later - what purpose would be served in continuing for too long in the limbo of separation?

I've been talking to someone I met on one of the meet-and-greet sites, I'll call him T. We've talked mostly via e-mail, and one phone conversation. It's been fun talking to him, and I like that he's willing to get to know each other through e-mail and telephone calls first, and not necessarily wanting to get together in person right away. Certainly nothing serious right now, just some entertaining conversation and sort of seeing what direction things might go down the road. We'll see!

As for C, ha, he's completely buggered off. You know what? I seriously don't care. If I were to get divorced from K tomorrow and C were to come back interested once I was truly a free woman, I'd tell him to go soak his head. I don't need the misery of someone who apparently has a lot of growing up to do and isn't quite sure what he wants.

There, I think that's it in a nutshell. :) I'll try to update more frequently, and maybe actually get to visit other people occasionally!

Am I weird?

I've wondered this quite a bit recently. I mentioned in my recent post how I'd rather have known straight up what was going on with C, if it is in fact something different or more than what he told me. Am I weird? Guys, offer your opinions here - do men tend to hold back with women when there are unpleasant things to talk about because they're afraid we'll just nut out? In your experience, would most women *not* prefer the direct approach? If I have to hear something I don't like, sure, I might get upset. I might cry a little (although these days, I'm just about as likely to throw things and yell as I am to cry). But I'd much, much rather have someone just be straight up with me, even if it might not be something I want to hear or deal with, than pussyfoot around and try to spare my feelings - just out with it, so I can have my moment and then move on. Are women, generally speaking, not like that? Maybe I was a man in a former life or something. I'm fairly unlike a lot of women I know, from what I've seen.

Today's big fun activity, since I'm home by myself - I made candles! This is a little hobby of mine I don't get to indulge too often, and I've made a dozen votives with a vanilla bourbon scent. Yummy. If I could ever find the time to make a lot, I'd sell them. Maybe someday!

Sure enough, J woke up howling at 5:50 this morning. Ugh. He got back in bed for a little while, woke up screaming again, wanted to rock, and then asked for his blanket and fell asleep on the sofa. LOL He later moved himself to the floor and slept there. Silly boy, the bed would have been much more comfortable.

I'm off to run more errands and have lunch with one of my girlfriends. More later!

A better day

Yesterday absolutely sucked rocks. It was one of those days at work where it felt like everything I touched turned to shit, and I was just tired - tired of relationship stress, tired of having a job that made me feel stupid and incompetent at every turn, tired of the universe thinking I needed yet more growth and character-building experiences on an hourly basis.

Today was much better. :) I had a couple of things that had to be tended to at work, but they went better than expected. And I stayed late on a conference call with my manager - hope he was looking at his watch to see how long I was there! LOL K picked J up from daycare for me, so I was glad of that. I would have gotten there by 6:30 (the time daycare officially closes), but I hate for him to be there that late if it can be avoided. Today was one of those days, workwise, that makes me feel like I *can* get a grip on this job, I *can* do well if I just stick it out and keep trying. It's one of those days that makes me wonder if I shouldn't just give myself a little more of a chance to get better at it.

Oh, and speaking of things that suck - remember me talking about C way back when? The guy who kissed me last summer, then ran off, then took a month after mentioning it to ask me to dinner? He's buggered off again. We went to dinner the one time, talked a good bit...and then poof, he suddenly disappeared. ??? He finally called after dropping off the planet for about three weeks and said he just wanted to keep things casual, do the Internet dating thing, see what was out there. He said his ex-fiance was his first serious relationship, and he wasn't saying he wanted to sow his wild oats or anything, but he wanted to see what was out there (I thought, oh, you do too want to sow your wild oats, just call it like it is). OK, fine. I knew I wasn't in a position yet to be committed to anything, and I'm not sure I'd jump feet first into a commitment even if I was totally free right now - I'd like some time to just be me for a bit before I'm part of "Lisa and so-and-so". And I certainly wasn't expecting that he was limiting himself to seeing me, given that things aren't settled with me and K yet - I figured it *was* casual, shows you what I know. He said he was glad he could be honest with me, and he said he hoped he'd get a chance to see me soon. OK, great, let's just keep it light, keep it casual, no big deal. I saw his profile on one of the meet-and-greet sites, and sent him a little note just saying hi. After a period of days had passed (this was about three weeks after we'd had the "keep it casual" conversation), he wrote me back and said something along the lines of, good to see a familiar face, etc. He then said he was seeing someone else he'd met on another site - they were pretty serious, but taking things slowly. WTF?! In three weeks you can go from "seeing what's out there" to "pretty serious" about someone?! That just floors me. (And is it just me, or does the "I'm seeing someone else" sound like a total blow-off? I'm not even sure we have a friendship anymore, and we'd been friends for what, four or five years before this?) I figure one of three things happened: 1) he was seeing this person while he and I were hanging out and decided to pursue things with her (which would have been fine, and I would have much preferred to be told that straight up if that were the case), 2) he went off me for some reason I don't know and didn't have the balls to tell me (in which case he wouldn't have been honest with me, which chaps me - don't say you're glad you can be honest with me if you aren't *being* honest), or 3) he's a bit emotionally immature and tends to fixate easily, much like baby chicks bond to the first thing they see as "mama", and he did that with me and then nutted out about the fact that I'm not officially free yet. I wrote back and told him I was a bit surprised he was using the word "serious" about anyone, but if he was happy, hey, good for him, and I'd talk to him later. I haven't heard a thing since then. Whatever the reality, this lightspeed disappearance just confirms for me that there could never be anything long-term there. I don't need a man who hasn't grown up yet, and I don't think he has. I deserve better! I was stung a little at first, but then progressed to mildly annoyed, and now I'm indifferent. Lots of other fish in the sea, right?

Maybe guys my age just aren't what I need. I took a test on one of these little personality sites - something like "what's your real age" - and it told me I'm really 50 (or was it 48? Either way, it was something a lot older than my actual age). LOL So maybe I'd do better with older men!

I'm annoyed. The CD player in my car is useless right now - I've gotten a CD stuck in it. It won't come out, but also won't go back in to where I can at least listen to that CD. So I may have to take it to the dealership and lay out serious cash to get it fixed. Just what I need, after I already paid them a ton to do routine service, fix my driver's side window, and a few other maintenance-type things. I'd thought about just yanking the CD out with needlenose pliers, if I could get a grip on it (it comes out far enough that I can see the edge, but not to where it actually sticks out), but I'd be afraid I'd really screw something up then. Dammit. No more loud music in the car, not with just the radio - you know how that goes, you catch a good song halfway through, and then the next 15 minutes are either crap or commercials. *SIGH*

I've got to get some sleep. I'm taking Thursday and Friday off work, so it's not quite as imperative that J and I are up at the butt crack of dawn, but my luck, tomorrow he'll be up at 5:00 saying, "HEY, mama!" and ready to go (this from the child who, for the past two days, has told me, "no, go 'way, I want to sleep some more" when I've gone to get him out of bed - imagine what the teenage years will be like!).

Checking out the stats

I see from looking at my stats that someone from the Department of Justice has stopped by. Hi! Know of any attorney jobs with the DOJ in the Dallas area? LOL

It's always fun looking at the stats and seeing where people come from. It just boggles my mind that people in far-off places like Russia can read my little ol' blog.

Woo!!!

Today's online fortune cookie:

"Now is a good time to explore."

In bed?! Woo!!! ;-)

It's Friday, and I'm glad. I stayed home yesterday because I was feeling puny, but I could still use another day or two off. I have so much that I could do in my house, so much to organize, so much to clean out.

I'm sugar-overloaded right now - we had a bake sale to raise money for March of Dimes today, and I ate waaaaaay too much chocolate. Ugh. :-p I think I should go home and work out.

More later!

Oh, to live where there's DSL....

You know, I like living where I do. It's nice not to have to deal with big-city traffic every time I leave my house. I like being two minutes from the grocery store and five minutes from the post office. But why, oh why, so close to one of the biggest cities in the country, can't I get something other than freakin' DIAL-UP?!?!

The home computer is finally set up, and I love it! It's worlds better than the old one (which I plan to revamp and pass on to J as his first computer - I figure he can't hurt it, and he can just bang away on it to his heart's content). But why, oh why can't I live somewhere with some way to get online other than dial-up?!?! No cable internet, no DSL where I live - I've looked and looked, and all I find that covers my area is dial-up. The new computer is much, much faster than the old, yet I'm still hampered by the fact that our local access number only connects at 28.8 KBps. *SIGH* I got all excited, thinking I could download some music and make really fun mix CD's. Imagine my disappointment, after creating this great playlist, to get a message saying it could take several HOURS to download music via a dial-up connection. *SIGH* So I'll try it on a weekend, when I can keep running in there and checking to make sure the connection hasn't gone kablooey and when it doesn't matter if the computer is tied up for several hours at a time (I wasn't going to stay up until the wee small hours last night waiting on a CD to finish). I live outside one of the biggest cities in the U.S., and said city is getting closer to my town every day. And all I can get is crappy dial-up?!?! Oh, wait, I forgot - I could get satellite Internet, it comes out to where I live. It's only $59.95-69.95 a month, not too bad. Until you find out you'd have to shell out close to $1000 for hardware and installation. I think not.

Car repairs and other miscellanea

I took my car to the shop yesterday - thought I needed new brakes, and I had a couple of other things I wanted to get taken care of if the cost wasn't outrageous. It turned out that my brakes are OK (I have a lot more brake pad left than I thought, that's for sure!), but at some point fairly soon I'll need new hub bearings on both sides of the car, to the tune of $480 a side. Apparently my wheels are designed in such a way that the bearings can't just be repacked - instead the whole hub has to be replaced. UGH. So I guess I'll start saving my pennies for that. I ended up getting my driver's side window fixed (it rolls down now - not essential, but it will certainly be a nice convenience to have it back), the regularly recommended 90,000-mile maintenance, a new license plate light (mine has been broken since I got the car) and a serious car cleaning. My car was so clean when I picked it up, I almost didn't recognize it! And when J saw it, he pointed to the wheels and said, "mama, those wheels not dirty anymore." I think he was amazed that they'd changed from dirt-colored to silver. LOL Nice to know things are in pretty good working order - the car is paid for now, and I'd like to drive it until the wheels fall off.

This can't be good, and it's certainly out of character. I don't care about food much these days. I know I need to eat, but I don't care what I have. I'd be just as happy with a mocha latte from Starbucks for lunch as I would with actual food, most days. It's like I just can't muster up the energy to bother fixing something, so I usually end up eating junk. Not good at all!

I've got a phone call to make that I'm not looking forward to. I guess I should make it and just get it over with. Maybe it won't be as bad as I'm thinking it will be....

Palm readings and whatnot

One of my co-workers reads palms, and a few days ago she graciously agreed to read mine, along with a few other people's. Here are a few tidbits of what she said:

*I'm bossy and independent. (Me? Never! LOL)
*I'm confident in my abilities, if someone puts me down I may have a moment of self-doubt, but I don't stay down for long.
*I could do with sufficient sleep - I function better when I get 7-8 good hours. (Funny, I always thought I did all right on 5-6. LOL)
*I'm a rolling stone, won't stay in one place.
*My family tends to interfere in my business. (If I lived closer to home, you bet they would.)
*I tend to put men up on a pedestal, have an ideal that I hold them to.
*I'm ditching one man, but will find someone else.
*I'm very intelligent. (She asked if my IQ was about 140 or 150, and it's tested at anywhere from 140 to 160.)
*I'll face a physical issue in mid-life, but I'll come out of it all right.
*I'm not a good liar.
*I like to spend money (and no, she couldn't guess that by my clothes and jewelry - my clothes are crap, and my jewelry is all costume! LOL).

Pretty cool, and quite accurate!

In other news, the new computer has arrived! I hope to have it up and running pretty soon. I've got to reconnect the CD burner to the old one and copy some things onto a CD that I want to keep and/or transfer. But once I get that done, hopefully I can get the new one set up. I'm real curious to see how much faster it goes than the old one, see how much difference a faster processor and more memory can make.

This day is almost over, and I am SO glad. I'm pooped!!!

Wow, some fortune!

Today's online fortune cookie:

"People are naturally attracted to you."

Woo hoo!!! Add "in bed" to that, and you've got a REALLY good time! LOLOLOL

Fun with the J-man

Well, yesterday was the big day of Thomas that wasn't. We were supposed to go see Thomas the Tank Engine, and J was excited about going to see Thomas all day Saturday - he'd tell people he was going to ride on big Thomas. We all went yesterday - me, J and K. J was excited yesterday morning, bouncing and squirming in the backseat and talking about big Thomas. He was happy when we put him into the stroller - up until we were just about out of the parking lot. Then he suddenly started just howling and sobbing, saying he wanted to go home. We hadn't even seen Thomas at this point, so it wasn't like he got freaked out by Thomas being life-sized. But he was having none of any of it - said he didn't want to ride big Thomas, didn't want to have his picture made, he wanted to go home. At one point K and I took him out of the stroller, and he was just about ready to run out in traffic to get back to the car, that's how much he didn't want to go. He never wavered, so it wasn't like he was going back and forth between wanting to go and not wanting to go. He just DIDN'T WANT to go. So we decided there was no point in forcing it, no point in dragging J in screaming like a banshee. We drove by the depot on our way out, and J got to see Thomas - he still said he didn't want to ride, he wanted to go home. He was greatly cheered by the prospect of a trip to Target and eating at IHOP, though - K asked him if he wanted to go to IHOP and have eggs and pancakes, and J said, "And bacon!" So I'm not sure what caused it, but he was not interested in the day out with Thomas. Oh well, maybe next year. It was pretty funny, all the other kids were going in in their strollers happy as larks at the prospect of riding the train, and J was screaming like he was being dipped in boiling oil. At least it was a nice day for a drive in the car.

And the meltdown fun continued. We went to Target, that was fine. Went out for Mexican for lunch - J loved it, he ate the hot sauce with a spoon, like it was soup. Then we went to Toys R Us, because they have a lot of the Thomas wooden railway stuff. And there J went into indecisive toddler mode. He wanted Elizabeth, the quarry truck - then, "I no like her, I want Diesel 10." Got Diesel 10 - "I no like him." Finally he settled on Lady and the Sodor fire trucks, and K and I picked out a wooden railway starter set. Then J saw a train table set up, and nearly lost his mind - he *had* to get out of the buggy and play with it, and he declared he wanted one of his own (I'm thinking birthday). Then on the way out, he started crying when we had to wait in line - he was insistent that we pay for our things and go RIGHT NOW.

And once we got home, he played with his new toys just fine for a while. Then he wanted Diesel 10 and the quarry truck, and I explained to him that we'd left them at the store, we could get them the next time we went. TOTAL fit. J ran for the garage door, screaming that he wanted Diesel 10, wanted in mama's truck, wanted to put his shoes on RIGHT NOW. Finally I told him we weren't going, end of story, we could get the train next time we went, and he could just sit there and scream until it was out of his system, because we weren't going back to the store today. And eventually he gave it up and went on with his afternoon. But ugh, that was tiring.

J has apparently picked up a new word at daycare. He came home on Friday and announced, "He's a poopyhead!" I asked him who was, and he said, "Austin - he bit me." I then asked him who he heard "poopyhead" from, and he said, "Manuel." Big surprise there. But he said that word all night long, despite being told repeatedly that it wasn't nice to call someone that. I decided to just ignore it, figuring that the more I freaked out over it, the more likely he was to say it, just for my reaction. Seems to have worked - we didn't hear "poopyhead" at all yesterday. (This after he said last night, "Poopyhead's in the bed", and I pointed out to him that he was the only one in the bed, so who's the poopyhead? ) No, we got a new phrase last night. J dropped a toy, and promptly said, "Oh, crap." Then he said it again - and again, and again. "Oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap." I couldn't help it, I laughed out loud. It just sounded so funny coming from him. And there again, I figure if I make a big deal about it being a "bad" word at this point, he'll keep saying it for the reaction. I'm just glad it wasn't anything worse than "crap" - you try not to slip up in front of your kids, but sometimes those words you don't want them to learn quite yet pop out.

He lost his voice yesterday. I'm not sure if he's getting sick again (can't remember if I wrote, he had a round with virus and sinus a couple of weeks back), or if it's just from all the howling he did, or what. He was starting to snot up this morning. I hope he doesn't have a cold.

And I was afraid we were going to have a bad time of it this morning. We got to daycare and I said, "yay, school!" J said, "Stop it, mama, I no like it." Huh? He said, "I want to go home," with that whiny tone in his voice that told me he was about three seconds from full-out tantrum. I told him no, mama had to go to work. Again, "I want to go home." I said, I know you do, baby, but we've talked about this - mama has to go to work, but I'll be back this afternoon to pick you up, and what happens then? "Mama gives J hugs and kisses!" I said, that's right, hugs and kisses. Then he started contemplating what they might have on TV in the gym, and he was much more excited about going then. So it turned out to be all right.

Which is good, because otherwise it's a tired and grumpy day. Traffic was hideous this morning - three wrecks on my way in, two of which were on the alternate route I took to avoid the first wreck (a biggie, with a 45-minute backup). So it was almost 9:00 before I made it here. How I wish I could telecommute.

I'd better get back to work. More later.